Your Inner Monologue During A Rack Race


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rack race

Rack races are a big part of college. Crushed your finals? Rack race. Failed your finals? Rack race. Graduating? Rack race. Unsure as to what a rack race is?

Urban Dictionary defines it as,

A race between two teams of equal size (or predetermined skill level) to see who can complete a thirty rack of beer the fastest. Usually, teams are of 3 or 4 players, but in a girls versus guys game the females usually receive a handicap.

Now personally, I try to steer clear of beer at all costs. Why? Because I respect my body too much to flood it with full calorie poison. But sometimes you have to woman up and pull out your pink glittered beer bong. After all, 30 beers in 24 hours can’t be that bad, right?

  1. *Looks at alarm* Why the fuck did I agree to this at 9 a.m.?!
  2. At least I have the cutest jersey for this.
  3. Seriously, it’s like these guys point zero effort into their outfits.
  4. Why can’t rack races be done with wine?
  5. Or at least mimosas?
  6. Because it is literal hell to drink beer at all, let alone this much beer. Let alone this much beer in the morning.
  7. Okay, first beer bong done. Let the torture begin.
  8. Am I the only girl doing this?
  9. Time for breakfast, now that I am slightly tipsy.
  10. Carbs from food, to suck up the carbs from beer. Great. I’m never going to get a bikini body.
  11. If rack races were about eating, I would win hands down.
  12. How did I get roped into making everyone breakfast?
  13. Will guys think I’m, like, super chill for this?
  14. Or will guys think I’m super disgusting for this?
  15. It is only 11 a.m. and I am already slightly buzzed.
  16. And bloated.
  17. Time to slow it down a little bit, before I pass out face first in the front yard. Again.
  18. Water is the only thing keeping me going right now.
  19. Sobriety is really starting to have a nice ring to it.
  20. *Glares at the other girls sipping mixed drinks and not participating.*
  21. Why the fuck are they not subjected to this?
  22. Oh right, because *they* didn’t run their mouth about how this was so easy.
  23. I really need to stop talking up the game I don’t even have.
  24. Maybe I can start hiding beers and they won’t notice…
  25. *Hides beer, puts Diet Coke in koozie.*
  26. Ah, this is a movement I can get behind.
  27. 30 Diet Cokes in 24 hours? Ha! Like taking candy from a diabetic baby.
  28. Alright, nap time. Where is the boy who made me do this? His bed is now mine.
  29. “Hey do you mind if I take a power nap in your bed?”
  30. “Sure you can come with me…”
  31. Ew! He tastes more like beer than the actual beer.
  32. Does this count as another one?
  33. I am literally never going to leave this heaven that is bed and water.
  34. Fuck it, I give up.
  35. I gave it my all. I drank a solid half.
  36. Plus all the ones I hid around the house.
  37. Those will make one lucky brother very happy later.
  38. Are they talking about having a handcuff party outside?
  39. “Oh, my God. I could *totally* finish half a fifth. Easy.”
  40. “Hell, yeah I’ll prove it! Next weekend.”
  41. Fuck.

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Blondie excels at being an underachiever. She is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at

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