“Communication is key,” is a cliched line you can find in any self-help article, book, or expensive therapist evaluation. Having problems with your friends? Talk about it! Problems with your family? Talk about it! Problems with your boyfriend? Guilt him into submission and post a million pictures on Instagram to make people think you’re happy together. I mean, talk about it! Talking and listening are the secret to a happy life. So, you’d think that the more talking, the better everything would be. The only problem is that sometimes, too much talk can really take away. For example: in the bedroom.
Things are getting hot and heavy. The lights are dimmed, your post-finals buzz is still going strong, and your perfectly curated sex playlist is working its magic in the background. Everything is perfect and then, he starts talking. Now, normally, you’d be pumped. You’re always asking him to share more things with you. But now, as you’re laying in his dingy sheets from high school, clinging to the hope that you’re going to orgasm from penetration alone (lol), he says it. Something so cringeworthy you consider becoming a born-again virgin. Gents, read up. And ladies, just know that if he says any of these, you’re not alone in your misery.
1. “Have you ever…”
I’m just going to cut you off there, sir, and go with a hard “no.” Even if I *have* done it, I’m still going to go with no. There’s nothing worse than being naked in bed with someone and finding out that your partner has already done whatever weird thing you want to do. In fact, don’t even venture into the “I’ve been naked in bed with someone else” territory. No one wins, no one has fun, and there’s a zero percent chance we’ll end up doing that thing you sort of wanted to do. Talking about what you want to do is good. Even talking about your past can sometimes end up without a murder being committed if handled properly. But asking about your past while your ass is showing and the condom is on? No one wins.
2. “I could go all night long.”
Please, dear God, do not.
3. “You dirty girl.”
I get it, I get it. He’s complimenting me on how freaky I am when I lay there in missionary. But the thing is, I take great pride in personal hygiene. If I forget to put on deodorant or have the slightest suspicion that I smell, my whole day is ruined. I might be a goddess in the bedroom (I’m not), but dirty? That I most definitely am not.
4. “Who’s the best?”
Me. I’m the best. Oh, you’re asking who the best male is? Easy. John Krasinski. He’s sweet, funny, and since doing that soldier movie, he has a rockin’ bod. I know guys want us to say that they’re the best, but come on. They get annoyed when we ask for validation, but they want us to give them a gold star for seven minutes of jackrabbiting? Let’s be real, gents.
5. “Say my name.”
“Michael, was it? Hey. Nice to meet you. I’m Rachel. Fancy meeting you here, amiright? How ’bout that ride in? I guess that’s why they call it Sin City….ha ha ha. So, how do you feel about the current political climate?” This isn’t a freshman orientation. We don’t need to do get-to-know-each-other exercises. You don’t need to toss me the talking stick. I know your name. You know my name. I don’t want to shout it. Please don’t make me.
6. “Surprise me.”
You want me to pull a rabbit out of my vagina? How about one of those colorful rope ties out of my asshole? I’m not a fucking magician. I’m not Harry Potter. I have anywhere from 2-12 moves I can pull (most of which just involve different ways I lay on a bed) and it would just be easier on all of us if you said what you wanted to happen here. You’re not being mysterious, you’re just being lazy.
7. “You’re naughty, aren’t you?”
What are you, my principal? Are you going to give me detention if I tell you how I paid my rent a day late or that I reposted that fucking red swimsuit picture on my Instagram? Unorganized and basic I may be, but naughty? That I am not. The only way you can ask this is if you’re British and actually say words like “naughty” in your everyday life. Otherwise, it just gives off a weird, “I want to scold you” vibe. But not in a hot way. In a “go write lines on the chalkboard” kind of way.
8. “Are you ready?”
I get it. Consent is cool. Consent is a must. I’ve got nothing against that, please calm down. But saying “are you ready” just feels so much like losing your virginity. The first time was bad enough. Let’s not go down memory lane of the four painful thrusts, the ruined sheets, and the ugly promise rings.
9. “I want you to come.”
Finally, something we have in common. Me too! That would be great. Better than great, really. Oddly enough, however, using your mouth to say something like that isn’t going to make it happen. In fact, the little glimmer of an orgasm that was flickering off in the distance is bound to dissolve and float away, never to be seen again. Instead of using your mouth to say unhelpful things, why don’t you use your oral skills for something else?
10. “What’s your fantasy?”
To not answer this question while your hot, man-body crushes me? Sure, we all have fantasies. And talking about them can be pretty great. But being put on the spot while we’re obviously not doing any of my fantasies? Not ideal. Give me a few days, a few coffees, and the Internet access, and I’ll come back to you with a five-page paper outlining what I want, where it can be found in literature, and the statistics on it. With all of my sources cited, of course. This isn’t amateur hour.
11. Do you want to suck this dick?”
In what world, I repeat, IN WHAT WORLD, is the answer yes? At best, if you’re in the mood to make him happy (read: you’re pretty drunk and hope he buys you cheesy bread later) your answer will he, “uh…okay?” And that’s the best case scenario. No one *wants* to suck his dick. No one wants to suck anyone’s dick for that matter. We do it because we’re in love or lust or had a lot of Fireball. Don’t add insult to injury and just be cool. We’ll suck a dick when we want to suck a dick.
12. “Am I the biggest you’ve ever had?”
Nope.
And this, my horny friends, is why the ball gag was invented..
To read the original “18 Worst Things Guys Say In Bed” click here.
Image via Shutterstock
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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