I am a feminist. At this point I think anyone who isn’t is pretty much a shitty person. Sorry, but not really. The thing is, back in the olden days, being a “feminist” meant burning bras and flaunting hairy pits. But as we’ve evolved, the idea of feminism has gotten a little more stable. According to the Webster’s dictionary, the main definition of feminism is, “the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes.” Pretty simple, huh?
That being said, sometimes I stumble across something labeled “feminist” that makes me silently mouth “what the fuck?” before washing my eyes out with acid. It’s not that I think people who do any of the below are gross, or wrong, or weird (okay, maybe a little weird. But who cares? Most of the best people are). It’s just the feminism and equality is based on the principal that all genders are equal. And do you know what that means? That we’re all entitled to have our own opinions and preferences. Crazy, right? So while it’s okay for a guy to say that another guy looks dumb with a soul patch (note: any guy looks dumb with a soul patch) it’s not okay for me to say that I think free bleeding is disgusting? Nah. I’m not cool with that. It doesn’t mean that YOU shouldn’t do it. It just means that there’s no way in hell I will. Here are a few things that have been labeled “feminist” (which doesn’t even mean that they are feminist) that I will never take part in.
- Not being drugged up during child birth.
If I have to shoot back a bottle of tequila and hit the bong, I will. But let it be heard: I. will. not. be. sober. (read: I will not actually do drugs on the delivery table, guys. I mean, unless that’s all that’s available. Then maybe.)
- Getting into fights about breastfeeding.
I get it. Someone people do it. Some people don’t. Maybe it’s better. Maybe it’s not. Calm damn and go argue about something else just as annoying. Like religion. Or Trump.
- Breastfeeding in public.
I know. People are fighting really hard for this. And I get that. And I think you should be able to do it. But as for me? I never whipped my tits out in college or at Mardi Gras. I’m sure as hell not going to start when I’m a mom.
I’m sorry. If you’re making me feel bad because I can afford help, and I’m working/existing/living my life, then kindly take that giant stick out of your ass. Having a nanny doesn’t mean I want someone else to raise my kids. It just means I don’t want to do it alone. You know what they say, The strongest (and richest) are the ones who can ask for help.
- Eating placenta.
Are you FUCKING kidding me? Sure it has nutrients or whatever. And it can maybe prevent postpartum depression. But just give me a rare steak and a Xanax and we’ll call it even.
- Anything with the placenta.
I don’t want to honor it. I don’t want to turn it into jewelry. I don’t want it to be art, or lasagna, or sold on the black market (okay I’d actually consider that one). Let’s just throw it out and forget that I ever pushed a bloody sac of organs out of my vagina. Please?
- Free bleeding.
- Menstrual cup.
I am all for saving the environment. I want a beautiful, green future filled with clean air for my hipster children. BUT, I am not going to get that by shoving a cup up my vagina, letting it collect blood inside of my body, pulling it out (did it get on my hand?! MAYBE!), and then boiling it on the stove before using it again. Periods are gross. Menstrual cups are grosser. If that’s your thing, fine. But I’ll be over here separating my recyclables and shoving tampons up my vag like a normal person.
- Dying my armpit hair some strange color.
Our moms almost fainted the time we dyed our hair lavender “just because.” It’s no different with armpit hair. If that’s how you want to express yourself creatively, fine. But I’m going to stick with taking drunk painting classes and making up creative reasons why I texted someone forty-five times last night.
- Not shaving my armpits.
I know that we shouldn’t be forced to because guys “don’t have to (#equality).” But I think that should change. Have you ever accidentally put your face in a guy’s hairy pit when you’re cuddling post-sex? Not cute. Why don’t we all cut the shit, and all cut off our pit hair? It’s for the best.
- Not shaving my legs.
Ever gone two weeks without shaving? And then once you shave you feel like a goddess? Yeah. It’s great. Why give that up?
- Not shaving a beard, if I grow one.
The thing is, you have to really, really look at yourself and decide if the facial hair looks right on you. What’s your bone structure like? What’s your vibe? What look are you going for? Some guys don’t look good with beards. All girls don’t look good with beards. Only you know what’s best for your mug.
- Not shaving in general.
It feels better. It looks better. It is better.
- “Free the nipple.”
I get the concept behind this. Guys can show their tits, why can’t we? The thing is, if we free the nipple, the nipple isn’t as special anymore. There’s something special about having that tiny inch of boob that really, really counts. And those times when you do show nip? It’s special. You’re either drunk in NOLA, at some topless beach in Europe, or in bed with a guy who’s just dying to get your top off. Personally, I want my nips to be coveted, not common.
- Nipple bikini
It’s pretty much the same thing as freeing the nipple. It’s just not for me.
So, for the sake of equality just know: you can do everything on this list, or none of these things. If you like shaving, great. Keep doing it. If you hate it? Fuck it. Stop shaving. Equality doesn’t mean HAVING to do something because you’re a woman, or having to do something because you’re proving point. You’re allowed to think things are gross. You’re allowed to have opinions. You’re allowed to fight the fight for equality however you think it should be done. There’s no one right way to be a feminist, just like there’s no one right way to get what we so deserve.
Whether it’s swearing off razors and tampons, or getting waxed twice a month and being disturbed by people who free bleed, we all want to same thing. That’s the magic of being a feminist. We all just want to have gender equality. The other stuff is just individual paths we’re taking to show our support and to fight the fight. It’s all okay. We’re all okay. And no matter which side you’re on, we’re all on the same team..
Image via Youtube / LordSpoda