Are you worried that the Queen B status you rightfully earned in high school is going to down the shit hole in your new college town? Or were you always a friendless loser and desperately need a change? Don’t worry! This is basically a how-to guide for college popularity! If you follow any, or all, of these tips you will be guaranteed to be that girl- without coming across as desperate at all! Sure, you might end up with a few (hundred) girls giving you some serious side eye, but that’s just because they’re jealous haters who can’t keep up with your social skills. Who needs them when you’re queen of campus?
- Tell everyone how sratty you are, even if you haven’t been initiated.
Nothing says determination like showing off those power letters before you’re actually allowed to. - Buy everyone food.
Sure, making brownies for your favorite fraternity is good form, but step it up by literally bribing people with their favorite food. - Actually, just straight bribe them.
If your personality is shitty, don’t worry! They’ll have to hang out with you if you buy their ticket. - Sleep with every guy you meet.
You’ll probably meet new guys by hanging out with the guy you’re sleeping with. - When you do meet his friends, sleep with them, too.
That’s like, infinite friendship opportunities if you think about it. - Scream “tits out for Harambe” at the top of your lungs.
It’s annoying and everyone will hate you for it, but at least you look up to date on internet trends. - Brag to everyone about how you love beer because you’re “not like the other girls”
That Freshmen 15 is going to come fast with all of the carbo loading, but at least you’re ~cool~. - Wear a shack shirt at all times so people know that you fuck.
If you can’t get a guy to hand one over, offer to do his laundry and then steal one. - Insist you already know everyone, even when you really don’t.
“Um, duh I know Chris! I love him! Oh, you’re Chris…?” - You don’t have to be a good person if you just lie about it when confronted.
Just insist “it wasn’t even like that! *inset excuse for bitchiness here*” Pro Tip: you can definitely get away with perpetually being on your period. - Find the girl who fucks all the hottest guys. Get her sloppy seconds.
Treat her like an oracle for finding good dick of the future. - Insist it’s a coincidence when she calls you out sifting through her used trash.
Eventually she’ll learn to just give them your address, just to save everyone some time. - Flash your tits.
If you’re still desperate for attention, try your vag. - Subtweet everything instead of risking a friendship by being mature and upfront.
Confrontation takes more than 140 characters anyway. - Don’t like sports? Get the fuck ready to watch every game anyway!
You’re just like one of the guys! - Put way too much effort into your casual game watching outfit, though.
Because you’re not actually one of the guys. - Lie.
So what if everything you say is bullshit, your stories don’t add up, and you’re riddled with insecurities? If you fake enough, everyone will believe it.
Or just learn to be yourself. Now is about the time everyone starts worrying about their college experience. Did you get into the “right” sorority? Are you starting to get incurable homesickness for your best friends? Don’t fall into the desperate trap of trying to make friends, but if any of these seems like something you would actually do, then just fucking do them all. What do you have to lose? .
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Blue-eyed-blondie
Blondie excels at being an underachiever. She is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at blue.eyed.blondie.tsm@gmail.com EDIT** if you suggest Black Mirror she's already seen it. So stop suggesting it. Seriously. Please stop suggesting it.
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