We don’t get to choose our body type. If I had it my way, I would choose to look a little more like Kylie Jenner over Kierra Knightly. Both girls are beautiful, sure. But the thought of having curves always intrigued me. But alas, I’m straight as a board. So, as I stand stick thin at 5’6″ and 105lbs, I always get hammered with remarks about my body type. Here are just a few.
- “Do you ever think you’d get a boob job?”
Yes. The minute you offer to shell out a few grand, come talk to me. - “You better be careful, you won’t have your metabolism forever.”
Yes, but in this moment I need to eat every three hours not to feel lightheaded, so let me gorge in peace. - “Don’t worry, I’m more of an ass man anyway.”
Well, perfect! I don’t have that either. - “It’s nice to have a flat stomach, but I wouldn’t want to be as skinny as you.”
Oh, thank God. I thought for a moment my body was desirable, thank you for the reassurance that it’s not. - “Maybe you shouldn’t work out as much. You don’t need to lose any weight.”
The answer to my lack of fat problem is counteracting it with a lack of muscle, apparently. - “I’m sooooo jealous you can eat whatever you want and not gain weight!”
Yes, until you see my grocery bill. - “I think thigh gaps are unnatural.”
There is literally nothing I could do to get my thighs to touch at this point in time. Shit is natural. - “Real women have curves.”
BRB, returning my vagina because I don’t fit the femininity standards. - “Have you tried squats?”
I have tried every. single. technique to get an ass short of injecting myself with Kardashian blood. - “You don’t realize how lucky you are to be able to wear a strapless bra!”
You don’t realize how lucky you are to have boobs, let alone big boobs. - “It must be so nice to wear whatever you want and not have to be self-conscious.”
A lot of stores stopped making clothes my size. Believe it or not, I don’t prefer to have to shop in the children’s section. - “You must be in really good shape.”
I get winded half way through eating a cheeseburger and you clearly know nothing about health. - “I keep telling my daughter if she ate like you, she’d lose the extra pounds she’s been complaining about.”
My diet is equal parts mac and cheese and jizz. Is this what you really want for her? - “I prefer thicker girls.”
I prefer thicker dicks so it looks like we’re both in for a disappointment. - “I feel like I could bend you in half!”
Yeah, I’m not a fucking iPhone, so… - “I prefer girls with your body type.”
What? That look like an underage boy? - “I CAN FIT MY FINGERS AROUND YOUR WRISTS!”
Why. The fuck. Are you touching me? - “Do you even weigh more than 100lbs?”
Maybe not. But I can still guarantee my weight is a higher number than your IQ..
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Blue-eyed-blondie
Blondie excels at being an underachiever. She is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at blue.eyed.blondie.tsm@gmail.com EDIT** if you suggest Black Mirror she's already seen it. So stop suggesting it. Seriously. Please stop suggesting it.
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