Our obsession with celebrities has reached an all-time level of insane. We follow them on Snapchat. We stalk them on Instagram. And we embarrassingly comment in their social media hoping they’ll notice us. But it’s not our fault! We just dream of running into our favorite celebrities, falling into them vagina-first, and living happily ever after together. It’s fine. I get it. I sent Johnny Depp fan mail and strands of my hair for a good three years of my life. S’all good. And so to help my horny sisters out, I’ve compiled some sexy, seductive, realistic celeb fantasies that are sure to get your blood pumping and your mind racing.
Grab some fresh AA batteries and thank me later.
1. The Threesome
• John Krasinski finds out you exist.
• He doesn’t leave his wife because his wife is Emily Blunt.
• They value you as a person and enjoy meeting you.
• You guys sometimes all hang out platonically and once he accidentally touched your hand.
2. The Tale Of Three Brothers
• You get to breathe the air of Luke Hemsworth.
• You get to breathe the air of Chris Hemsworth.
• You get to breathe the air of Liam Hemsworth.
• You die happy.
3. The Smell Of Love
• Chris Pratt is in front of you at a coffee shop.
• Chris Pratt buys your coffee because he’s Chris Pratt and you’re a hungover, shell of a human.
• Chris Pratt says it was nice to meet you and wishes you luck on the rest of your life.
• You sort of get to smell Chris Pratt as he walked away.
• Chris Pratt smells good.
4. The Kutcher Catcher
• Be Mila Kunis.
• Fall in love with Ashton when you’re an infant.
• Go your separate ways.
• Find each other again and fall in love.
• Get married.
• Live happily ever after.
5. The Experiment
• You meet Margot Robbie.
• You consider hooking up with her because she’s Margot Robbie.
• Margot Robbie has none of it because she’s Margot Robbie and could do wayyyy better than you.
• You realize it’s for the best because you don’t know if you could go down on a girl.
• You leave.
6. The Other Woman
• You notice Zac Efron at happy hour.
• You say something embarrassing about your childhood obsession.
• He is polite about it.
• There’s an awkward silence.
• He buys you a drink because you won’t stop looking at him.
• You cry.
• He fakes a phone call and says his wife is calling and he has to go.
• You’re 97% sure he doesn’t have a wife.
• He leaves.
• You steal the cup he was drinking from and keep it forever.
7. The Midnight Munchies Meal
• You pull up to Taco Bell.
• You see that the drive through is closed.
• You walk in the lobby.
• You see James Franco there.
• He’s eating a Crunch Wrap Supreme.
• You get your food and sit a few tables away.
• You make eye contact, wonder if he’s high too, nod, and continue eating.
• He throws away his trash and leaves to go teach a college course.
8. The Other Franco
• You see Dave Franco at a pool party.
• He smiles at you.
• He starts walking towards you.
• You notice how short he is.
• You forgot he was only 5’7.
• You pull out your phone and hide in the bathroom for awhile.
9. He’s Chuck Bass
• Ed Westwick walks by you at the store.
• You squeal and say “Chuck Bass” before you can think about it.
• He turns to you and says, “No. That was a character I played.”
• He walks away.
• You faint because Chuck Bass just talked to you.
10. The Instant Connection
• You see Chris Pine out in the wild.
• You make eye contact.
• You orgasm on the spot.
11. The Notebook
• Ryan Gosling is at the same concert as you.
• You get behind him in the snack line.
• He orders popcorn.
• While he’s still in earshot you say, “If Ryan Gosling is having popcorn, I’m having popcorn.”
• He smiles in an uncomfortable way to let you know he hates you as a person.
• You have really passionate sex with your boyfriend that night.
12. The Other Ryan
• You tweet something suggestive at Ryan Renolds.
• Ryan Renolds tweets something rude back to you.
• Are you maybe married to Ryan Renolds now?
13. Sucking The Sucker
• Robert Pattinson is at the same trendy, hipster coffee shop that you are.
• You strike up a conversation.
• You tell Robert Pattinson that you liked him better in Harry Potter than in Twilight.
• He agrees.
• You feel better about life in general and go on to live happily ever after.
• No. Not with Robert Pattinson.
• Don’t be stupid.
Is it getting hot in here or is it just me?.
Image via Instagram
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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