A Moral Compass You seem to have lost yours that night you stole a bottle from behind the bar and texted all three of your exes in a group text that you love them.
Sluttier Friends You’re tired of being the one with all the good stories. There has to be other cool girls out there who are also living la vida hoe-da.
A Sugar Daddy No, you don’t want to be a prostitute. You just want someone who will pay for your school, your shopping, and your living expenses, and in return you give him… companionship? Except not on the weekends or any days where you’re busy. So basically you just text him when you need money.
An Stronger Liver Everyone knows going home for break means running into everyone you know at the bars, which also means taking way, way too many shots.
Bigger Boobs What? Just being honest. You don’t want to develop back problems, but you just want perkier, fuller boobs. Maybe a small lift. Or better yet, remove the fat from your stomach/thighs/arms and put it in your boobs! It’s like killing two birds with one stone!
An Unbreakable iPhone Because you’re on your third iPhone 6 and this is the fourth time your screen has cracked and you’re still too cheap to buy Apple Care.
Something Your Exes’ New Girlfriend Has That You Don’t I know, it’s stupid. You’re different people, you shouldn’t be comparing yourself to her, and you don’t even want him back, but still. How dare he date someone who is slightly different than you?
Single Friends You love that your friends are happy and with guys who actually care about them, but you’re so over being the only single girl in your friend group.
Retribution To All The Fuckboys You Dated You don’t want to hurt them. You just want them to have to pay for being an asshole by getting a really big pimple or an easily curable STD.
A Justin Bieber Sex Tape The paparazzi pics weren’t enough. The people need more, Justin.
The Perfect Penis Not too big, not too small. One that doesn’t want to go “all night long” because honestly that sounds like an awful time. Oh, and it should come on a guy who’s cute and funny and doesn’t have any exes.
A Relationship Without Sex Sex is like this whole big process where you have to be in the mood and then you have do things you really don’t like doing, like giving him a blow job or being on top. You’d much rather have someone who does nice things for you and treats you like a princess and watches whatever you want to watch on Netflix. So basically a slave. You want your own personal slave.
A Glam Squad Just four or five people who come to your house every morning who will do your hair, makeup, nails, and pick out your outfit for you while you check social media, sleep, and catch up on your shows.
The Best Sex You’ve Ever Had You say it all the time. “OMG that was amazing, that was the best sex I’ve ever had!” But truthfully you faked an orgasm and that thing he did at the end actually hurt like a bitch. You never mean it. You just want to know what “the best sex I’ve ever had” feels like.
An Engagement Ring You don’t want to get married. You don’t even want a boyfriend. But a massive, sparkly diamond ring would be nice to have for, you know, yourself.
Internet Fame It’s what we all want, really. A million followers, thousands of likes and praise hands emojis on your Instagrams, and none of the hassles or commitments of actual fame. It’s the dream.
A Good Cry It’s not that you need to cry, it’s just that you want to cry. There’s nothing better than putting on a sappy song or an emotional movie and letting those tears flow. Seriously, it’s better than therapy.
To Be A New Member Again Because being showered with endless gifts and love was just so good the first time.
A Reality TV Show The shit you and your friends are constantly getting into would make for great television, and you wouldn’t even need to make up the drama!
Your Dignity Tbh, it’s been gone since freshman year of college and you would really like it back sometime soon..
Cristina is a Grandex Writer and Content Manager. She was an intern for over two years before she graduated a semester early to write about college full time, which makes absolutely no sense. She regretfully considers herself a Carrie, but is first and foremost a Rory. She tends to draw strong reactions from people. They are occasionally positive. You can find her in a bar as you're bending down to tie your shoes, drinking Dos XX and drunk crying to Elton John. Email her: firstname.lastname@example.org (not .com).