Huddle up, girlfriends. It’s almost summer time, and we all know what that means: breakup season. You can’t just dump him out of the blue. Well, you could, but we’re better than that. We need to make it look like his fault. Because it is, obviously.
- He’s holding you back from your dreams.
Your dreams of having a threesome at a musical festival in a stranger’s tent.
- He doesn’t call you “beautiful.”
Well he does, but not as often as he should (hourly).
- He doesn’t answer your texts.
Sometimes for like, 38 minutes at a time.
- All you do is complain about him.
And frankly, Vanessa, I’m tired of hearing it.
- He beats you.
In Mario Kart and then won’t shut up about it for the rest of the day.
- He yells at you.
Anything above a loud whisper qualifies as yelling.
- He doesn’t go down on you.
Why did you even agree to date him in the first place?
- Your mom hates him.
She hates everyone you date, but he doesn’t have to know that.
- Your dog hates him.
Get out. NOW.
- He consistently misses your references from “The Office.”
He’s such a Toby.
- He doesn’t notice the little things.
Like when you repaint your nails the same color to cover the chips.
- He knows where he wants to eat for dinner.
That’s your decision. Even if you don’t care.
- He doesn’t sing in the car.
What is he, some kind of psychopath?
- He has a problem drinking.
…As much as I can.
- He always comes up short.
I’ve had my eye on a Tiffany ring.
- You’re not growing together.
He’s lost weight, but you’ve found it.
- You feel like you’re not the number one girl in his life.
Yes, including his mom.
- He’s still friends with his ex.
- He’s nasty.
Not *that* kind of nasty.
- He lied to you.
Your messy bun did not look “fine.”
- You’re not even dating.
You made eye contact at the gym twice..