21 Pieces Of Advice For Blake Lively And Ryan Reynolds’ Kid

To The Genetically Flawless Offspring of Blake and Ryan,

Heyyyyy. It’s Uncle Stefon. You don’t know me because you’re a drooling, teething goober and your dad’s restraining order against me is pretty airtight, but I want you to know that I’m here for you. I’m your uncle. Uncle Stefon. Now, I know that it sucks to hear this, but life isn’t easy, even when your parents literally look like they were hand-molded out of clay by whatever divine prophet your parents choose to have you believe in: God, Jesus, Buddha, Galactic Overlord Xenu, Madonna, Spaghetti Monster, Tom Cruise, whatever. But in case your parents are too busy making sequels to “The Proposal” or “Accepted” or they’re too busy writing lifestyle blogs to take raise you, don’t worry–Uncle Stefon has you covered. Here’s some advice on how to get through the tough times.

Don’t get upset when the other kids in school hate you for being too beautiful.
Or, if you’re the kind of celebrity kid with two gorgeous parents who turns out funny looking, don’t listen to what People magazine or some snarky E! reporter says about you. You’re practically Hollywood royalty. Your parents will make more money selling your baby pictures than those reporters will in a year.
Your mom better hope those traveling pants come in maternity sizes.
Don’t Google Image search your mom, because things like this will come up.
And this.
And this. (Mommy once dated a guy who kissed like a vacuum cleaner.)
Unless you want to be scarred for life, I’d avoid watching “Gossip Girl.”
Or “Savages.”
Or “The Proposal,” even though your daddy looks ridiculous shirtless.
At some point in your life, when you ask how Mommy and Daddy met, you’re going to hear about a movie called “Green Lantern.” Under no circumstances should you ever watch this movie, not because of any particular nudity or content or foul language, but the fact that it was so mind-numbingly bad, it almost set comic book movies and cinema in general back 30 years, at least. Ugh.
Try to be humble and work hard, even though you’ll most likely never be struggling for money.
Never forget where you came from.
Ever.
Make sure your first time is better than this.
But definitely date someone you can have fun with.
When your parents put parental blocks on the computers, try and see if they’ll extend that to “preserve.” Save yourself the grief of reading Mommy’s awful lifestyle blog, even though your childhood will surely be documented on it.
Speaking of which, get yourself a good therapist sooner rather than later, especially if you accidentally watch “Blade: Trinity.”
Make better choices than Daddy.
Don’t punch the paparazzi in the face, as much as you’ll want to.
Never, ever ask guys about their wieners.
And finally, don’t be discouraged if you never get more famous than you are in this moment.