If you’re anything like me, you are in complete denial about the impending doom that is graduation. If you remark that I have yet another year of my collegiate career behind me I will block you from my life. Fuck outta here with your truth bombs. Instead of spending the precious minutes of dead week studying like some nerd who has her life together, I have been brainstorming a list of reasons why I should be able to come back for a victory lap. Not only do I deserve it, but I should also be able to grace my campus, my friends, and the people who I have yet to even meet with my presence for another year. Here’s how I suggest you con your parents into letting you stretch those short four years into five.
- You could double major.
Because two bullshit majors is better than one bullshit major.
- A few thousand more T-shirts are still less expensive than a brand new work-appropriate wardrobe.
And some of them are even for philanthropy.
- You still need to train your body into getting up early every day.
You’ve heard rumors that once you’re an adult you can no longer decide not to show up on time… or at all.
- Your body might actually go into shock if you have to quit drinking on Tuesdays.
And do you have any idea what your bar tab will look like when you have to pay more than a dollar for a shot or $5 for a pitcher?
- Your sex life isn’t fulfilled enough to take such a giant downfall.
Who is going to boost your ego when fuckbuddies #1-5 are no longer under the delusional impression that you might come over?
- As you are now, you can totally rock a shack shirt to class and feel no shame. #SlutStrut
You cannot get a pencil skirt and sensible heels from a one-night stand in the real world.
- Your rival sorority won Greek Week.
You’ll be dammed if you go out with that kind of shame.
- You promised your freshmen self that you would leave college in better shape than when you started.
And you’re about 40 pounds worth of tequila and taquitos away from achieving that goal.
- You’re so close to becoming a total frat rat but graduating now would mean you’d miss out on an entire pledge class.
Momma didn’t raise no quitter.
- Promise your parents you’ll ask the chef to teach you how to cook.
Then just assume that eating an atrocious amount of her fried food counts as cooking lessons.
- Your ex got a new girlfriend who’s about to graduate from high school and you need to make sure your chapter doesn’t give that hoe bag a bid.
Or make sure you do, if she publicly humiliates him of course.
- You’re not emotionally stable enough not to live down the hall from your best friend.
Let alone your 18 other best friends.
- You could live another year in-house.
Because you totally won’t drink, do drugs, or have sex if you live there.
- It is completely rational to demand to graduate with your little.
You practically raised her, after all.
- You are ~Queen of Campus~ which means you have access to free pledge rides home.
Can your savings account really take the hit of having to pay for Uber?
- Speaking of pledges, you have a civic duty to
haze the shit out ofhelp shape the new pledges into becoming proper fraternity men.
You can’t help that you take your responsibilities so seriously.
- You’ve decided that you suddenly LOVE painting coolers, after you half-assed the past one.
Next year you’ll totally paint a better one.
- You just now discovered that your major’s sash is poop brown… and that if you switched to something in the liberal arts department you could get a pink one that wouldn’t clash with your shoes.
It’s obviously cheaper to change your major than buy new shoes.
- Your highlights turned out streaky. Do your parents really expect you to graduate looking like this?
It should take about a year to fix.
- Who even graduates in four years anymore?
You don’t want to be known as that girl who was clearly too smart for her school. #RespectTheSystem
- You just really don’t want to go.
Shouldn’t that be enough?! *sob* *sob* *sob*
Will it work? Probably not. But it is still worth a shot. I mean, what else could you be doing with your time? STUDYING?! Pft..