As our livers plead for us to stop pumping poison into our bodies, it’s become very clear that we’re at the end of the road. The final lap. The last sprint. After 5-ish days of costumes, candy, and vodka cranberries, we’ve made it. The big one. The day.
Hallo-fucking-ween.
And even though today is the actual holiday, we’ve been living the lifestyle for a good week. And with an absurd amount of Instagram posts and eyelash glue comes lots of embarrassment. Assuming you’re still living and breathing at this point (I mean, hello? This is the holiday of the dead. And at this point most of us look less-than-living), you’ve most likely made a fool of yourself more times than you’d care to admit. Don’t worry, though. This is the holiday of bruised egos and alcohol poisoning, and trust me, we’re all suffering together.
1. You decided to dress like a unicorn.
2. Which would have been totally cute if 99.99% of the female population didn’t also dress up like a horse with a penis on its head.
3. Or you chose something else totally basic like a mermaid.
4. Or a cat.
5. Or an “ex-wife.”
6. Your Instagram caption is something about how you’re just “here for the boos.”
7. Or something where you substitue “witches” for “bitches.”
8. You’ve gained at least 10 pounds due to your diet of Reese’s and Champagne.
9. And you forgot that you gained 10 pounds so you still wore the skany nurse’s outfit and posted the picture on Instagram sans-Facetune.
10. Or drunk you got a little crazy with the Facetune and your body proportions absolutely defy the laws of physics.
11. You made your somewhat-significant other go to a pumpkin patch.
12. And you made him spend an evening sitting on the floor of your tiny apartment with your annoying friends shittily carving gourds in the hope that he’ll get a blow job in return.
13. And no. You didn’t give him a blow job. All tricks, no treats, bitch!
14. But you did get drunk on spiked apple cider and cried, asking why he hasn’t introduced you to his mom.
15. MOMS LOVE YOU, OKAY?!!!?!?!
16. So, you texted your ex-boyfriend.
17. And Snapchatted him.
18. A few times.
19. Okay, 12 times. But you just wanted to make sure he knew how good your costume was.
20. And how hot you still are.
21. And how you’re in no way desperate for him to notice you even though he’s dating some random from your rival chapter.
22. You pulled off your wig in the middle of the party and passed it around for everyone to wear.
23. Which was fine, except that most of the pictures you have of yourself are just you sitting there in a hairnet looking like a plastered lunch lady.
24. And, naturally, you never got the wig back, so your Snapchat is just an embarrassing amount of pictures where you look hairless.
25. Oh, yeah. And your Snapchat story? It is officially the longest story in the history of Snapchat.
26. So many people have deleted you from social media because you have become that insufferable.
27. You might have had a mini panic attack because Halloween is now basically over, which means Christmas is right around the corner.
28. And if there’s one time that feels worse to be single than Halloween, it’s Christmas.
29. Did you confront the girl you hate at your favorite fraternity’s Halloween party? Maybe. Did you make a scene? Absolutely.
30. Maybe *gasp* you didn’t even dress up. You literally went out this weekend in normal clothes.
31. Or, worst still, you didn’t even get a solid picture of your bomb ass makeup one night, so like, what even was the point?
32. And even though you feel like you might actually die before the holiday is officially over, a feeling of depression is washing over you. Because no matter how basic it is, you have to admit — Halloween is the best fucking time of the year.
Until 2018, bitches witches..
Image via Shutterstock
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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