Well, guys. It’s here. The biggest weekend of the year is upon us. And despite the fact that we’ve been trying to tell you since July that you needed to get your shit together and plan your Halloween costumes (yes, plural), quite a few people out there are currently scrambling around and heading to the nearest party store to spend $75 on some polyester nightmare.
And while I’d like to think that all of you are going to really branch out and be creative this year, I need to be realistic. I mean, hello? Even I’m going to be a unicorn this year, so who am I to judge? If you’ve fallen into the trap of a basic 2017 costume, know that you’re not alone, and may the Instagram algorithm odds be ever in your favor.
1. Mermaid: You wanted an excuse to show off your barre-sculped abs, oversized chest, and extension-adorned hair. If there’s one thing you want on Halloween, it’s not being creative. It’s being noticed. It doesn’t matter how many other merpeople are in the building. As long as you’re the hottest, you’ve accomplished your goal.
2. Unicorn: You bleed glitter? You believe in magic? You wanted to wear bubblegum pink and a penis-shaped item on your head? If rhinestones, sparkles, and male attention is what Halloween is about, we’d *all* dress up like unicorns this year. Oh, wait…
3. Hippie: We get it, you like drugs and showing off your middrif. Get in line, bitch.
4. Baywatch Characters: Just admit it — you needed to put your “free” red, SunnyCo swimsuit to use. Sure, you deleted the evidence on Instagram, but everyone’s going to know what it is when you show up in the one piece that absolutely guarantees a nip slip.
5. Jon Snow and Daenerys: If you’ve always had a thing for an estranged family member and you like coloring your hair unnatural shades, this costume is a given. Besides, incest is sooooo hot rn.
6. Wonder Woman: You’re a strong, independent woman, who don’t need no man to do a couples costume with. And you’ve been in the gym for the past 7 months and really want to show off your ass in gold spandex.
7. Giraffe: I have no idea why this is such a popular costume this year but I don’t make the rules — I just make fun of them. The girls who aren’t hot enough to be bunnies, not bold enough to be cats, and probably got out of PE due to a doctor’s note proclaiming they had asthma so they sat on the bleachers reading nerdy books dress up as giraffes. Sure, you’re not the hottest animal, but you can see over the heads of the haters and you’ll probably get better jobs than all of us someday so who’s the real winner here?
8. Beauty (& The Beast): Sure, Disney Princesses are always overplayed, but this year? Slutty Belle is going to be a front-runner. It’s nice to give the brunette princesses a little love, amiright?
9. Eleven (or other Stranger Things kids): The idea of carrying around a box full of carbs, wearing a cheap-ass wig, and painting a little blood under your nose was just too easy to pass up. Sure, you like the idea of being a strong female character. But do you know what you like more? Not having to try very hard to impress your basic friends and get a substandard amount of likes on social media.
10. Pennywise/A Clown: No, you didn’t get through most of It without your hands covering your eyes. And sure, clowns actually scare the living shit out of you (who isn’t afraid of those monsters?). Even though clowns have been horrifying folks forever, this year they’re making a comeback. If hiding your crazy with humor is your go-to move, just don a red nose and call it a day.
11. Moana: You like offending people and appropriating other cultures. What? You think dreading your hair is pretty? IT’S A CULTURAL MOVEMENT. You’re obviously not doing this because, you know, she’s a strong Disney character like Mulan and that ginger girl from Brave. You’re doing it because you’re a bitch.
12. Something Else That Offends Everyone: A hobo? A señorita? The French? Honestly, if you’re dressing up like any other culture, human, or idea that could make people on Facebook upset, you’re most likely doing it for all the right reasons — to have fun and get trashed in your last minute costume. Carry on.
13. Trump/Hillary/Bill/Monica: Because getting into political debates on Facebook with your racist uncle wasn’t fun enough, do it in a party setting when BACs are up and inhibitions are down! But hey, you’re not trying to cause trouble — you’re just trying to understand both sides, right?
14. Witch: Do you laugh about how black is your favorite color? Do you snort pumpkin spice with your breakfast and wash it down with the tears of your ex? Do you claim you hate children but really you’re just afraid that no one will ever love you enough to want to have babies with you? No. But you do drink a lot of PSLs, own way too many scarfs, and think that throwing on a black dress, some eyeliner, and a hat counts as a costume. #BasicAssWitch
15. The Purge People: Maybe you’re not the best at doing your makeup. Maybe the thought of spending hours on a costume just to end the night face first in the toilet seems pointless. Maybe you want an excuse to wear your old high school homecoming dress that you can somehow still fit into #humblebrag. The truth is, you’re lazy, you’re hot, and you’d rather spend your Halloween getting free drinks and attention than Instagram likes and costume awards.
16. Alien: You had the green shirt. You had the glitter. You had the “out of this world” Instagram caption, and yet, you somehow didn’t get the memo that aliens were sooooo last Halloween. Weird. Whether you’re not up with the times, or just don’t care that E.T. was a 2016 thing, you figured — fuck it. Just pretend your memory got zapped and be cool.
17. A Mouse (duh): You just wanted an excuse to dress like a total slut, didn’t you?.
[via CBS News]