34 Signs You’re Dating Satan

36 Signs You're Dating Satan

We’re all waiting for Mr. Right to come along and sweep us off our feet. Not that we need a guy, because we’re all independent and killing it in the game, but the idea of knowing you don’t have to put up with the stresses of the dating world anymore is a comforting thought. No more heartache, no more sobbing into ice cream, just you and your ~soul mate.~ The problem is we don’t know who that person is going to be until, well, never. We keep blindly entering relationships hoping that they will make it through the perils of the college dating scene. Which is fine, in fact it’s unavoidable. However, the problem is we keep on with the same guy hoping that it’s just going to work even though we know deep down that there’s no way in hell that’s ever going to happen. Maybe he’s immature and you’re hoping he’ll grow up, maybe he’s rude to your friends, or maybe he’s just an all around tryhard. These are signs that it’s time to move on to some bigger (el oh el) and better things.

  1. He’s says he doesn’t want to be tied down, but still interrogates you about every guy that has ever been within three feet of you.
  2. He can’t be sober for anything, whether it is class, a date, or a mandatory alcohol awareness seminar.
  3. Not just slightly tipsy, he’s blacked out for all of it.
  4. And he has an overwhelming need to brag about it.
  5. He suggested that you do squats.
  6. He’s a really big advocate of the dad bod movement.
  7. He makes comments about how “fake” sisterhood is.
  8. “Your house is, like, the third hottest house on campus.”
  9. He tried to insist on wearing a Hawaiian shirt to a nice dinner. With your parents.
  10. He said it’s “uncomfortable” when women make more than their husbands.
  11. He’s a Trump supporter.
  12. He sided with Jay-Z.
  13. He said brunettes are his type when you’re a blonde.
  14. He asked if you ever considered getting a boob job.
  15. “Are you sure?” When you said no.
  16. “I’m not racist I just think…”
  17. When you asked him why he loves you, he said your ass.
  18. He’s called your friends “sorostitutes.”
  19. And the girl his brother has been dating for three years? He still calls her a slampiece.
  20. He showed your nudes to all of his friends, and said you should be honored when you got mad.
  21. He never used the cooler you slaved over.
  22. He was upset that you attended a social that wasn’t paired with his fraternity.
  23. He refers to your period as “blow job week.”
  24. He’s compared you to his ex.
  25. “Do you know who my father is?”
  26. He’s rude to waiters.
  27. If you don’t get off, he assumes there was just something wrong with you.
  28. He didn’t refer to your dad as “sir.”
  29. But he did call your dog a rat.
  30. He has a tattoo on his ass.
  31. He asked you to be more “ladylike.”
  32. He sends you unsolicited dick pics, and captions them “you’re welcome.”
  33. He talks about his penis like it’s a separate entity.
  34. You have had to apologize for his behavior.

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Blondie excels at being an underachiever. She is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at EDIT** if you suggest Black Mirror she's already seen it. So stop suggesting it. Seriously. Please stop suggesting it.

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