Columns

35 Signs You’re The Laziest Lazy Girl

Lazy Girls

  1. Seeing that it’s going to rain is like a little gift from the heavens telling you not to leave the house.
  2. You somehow never remember the gym’s hours of operation. Who knew the cardio floor would be closed at 2 a.m.?
  3. A “Sex and the City” marathon is a sign that you really don’t need to be productive today.
  4. No clean clothes? Guess you can’t wear pants.
  5. You set at least three alarms, hit the snooze button each time, and mentally say “fuck you” to responsibilities.
  6. People who act like socks and sandals are a fashion sin have obviously never worn socks and sandals.
  7. People calling you low maintenance is the ultimate compliment and “fuck you” at the same time. But honestly, you don’t have the energy to argue.
  8. Those kimono-cardigan-shawl things are your own brand of happiness.
  9. You use tumblers with caps because you never grew beyond the “sippy-cup” phase.
  10. But you still spill. A lot. Something about the distance from a cup or fork to your mouth is just too much.
  11. You don’t feel the need to finish sentences.
  12. “I can’t even.”
  13. YOU CAN’T EVEN WHAT? THAT’S NOT A FULL SENTENCE.
  14. Need to go to class across campus? You’re driving, obviously.
  15. You’ve accepted that you would be the first to go in a zombie apocalypse.
  16. You already scheduled a C-section for the baby you haven’t even created yet. Labor isn’t something you’ve ever done, and you’re certainly not going to start by pushing a child out of your vagina. LOL pass.
  17. Whoever invented stairs was a real dick.
  18. Wedges or stilettos? No contest. #TeamWedge
  19. The extent of “getting ready” is waking up 10 minutes before you leave the house. You brush your teeth, make yourself smell nice, and believe in inner beauty.
  20. You love going out–if “going out” means staying inside, avoiding sunlight, watching Netflix, and eating peanut butter directly from the jar.
  21. Guys think you’re not wearing underwear or a bra because you’re scandalous and sexy. Yeah, that’s totally it.
  22. You’ll trap your pet in a room so you don’t have to run around the house to make him or her love you.
  23. “Oh no, baby, it’s totally fine that you want to ejaculate after three minutes. I’m pretty winded right now, too.”
  24. You’ll just take your alcohol straight. Mixers just waste time.
  25. When your iPhone creates typos, you just accept the fact that you’ll look illiterate instead of going back, highlighting them, and trying to change them while your asshole phone insists on spelling them differently.
  26. And yes, iPhone, I meant “fuck,” not “duck.” I’m a ducking adult, dammit!
  27. When people suggest physical activities, you immediately have a twisted ankle, feminine problems, or Ebola.
  28. “Making dinner” means sprinkling some shredded cheese on top of your Lean Cuisine, just like Bobby Flay would have done.
  29. If it looks okay, if it feels okay, and if it smells okay (after some perfume spritzing), then in your book, it’s clean.
  30. You get shin splints just thinking about the fact that every single sorority, disease, and organization in the history of the free world has a fucking 5K.
  31. Lip liner isn’t a thing that exists for you.
  32. You stare at your phone and hit ignore when people call you, because what if they want to hang out? Or go somewhere? Or, you know, talk? That’s not a risk you’re willing to take.
  33. People who like to hike, run, or rollerblade for fun make you extremely nervous.
  34. Your bed is your one true love.
  35. Above all else? Yoga pants.
Nice Move998
Respond

Email this to a friend

Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

For More Photos and Videos

Latest podcasts

New Stories

Load More