You already scheduled a C-section for the baby you haven’t even created yet. Labor isn’t something you’ve ever done, and you’re certainly not going to start by pushing a child out of your vagina. LOL pass.
Whoever invented stairs was a real dick.
Wedges or stilettos? No contest. #TeamWedge
The extent of “getting ready” is waking up 10 minutes before you leave the house. You brush your teeth, make yourself smell nice, and believe in inner beauty.
You love going out–if “going out” means staying inside, avoiding sunlight, watching Netflix, and eating peanut butter directly from the jar.
Guys think you’re not wearing underwear or a bra because you’re scandalous and sexy. Yeah, that’s totally it.
You’ll trap your pet in a room so you don’t have to run around the house to make him or her love you.
“Oh no, baby, it’s totally fine that you want to ejaculate after three minutes. I’m pretty winded right now, too.”
You’ll just take your alcohol straight. Mixers just waste time.
When your iPhone creates typos, you just accept the fact that you’ll look illiterate instead of going back, highlighting them, and trying to change them while your asshole phone insists on spelling them differently.
And yes, iPhone, I meant “fuck,” not “duck.” I’m a ducking adult, dammit!
When people suggest physical activities, you immediately have a twisted ankle, feminine problems, or Ebola.
“Making dinner” means sprinkling some shredded cheese on top of your Lean Cuisine, just like Bobby Flay would have done.
If it looks okay, if it feels okay, and if it smells okay (after some perfume spritzing), then in your book, it’s clean.
You get shin splints just thinking about the fact that every single sorority, disease, and organization in the history of the free world has a fucking 5K.
Lip liner isn’t a thing that exists for you.
You stare at your phone and hit ignore when people call you, because what if they want to hang out? Or go somewhere? Or, you know, talk? That’s not a risk you’re willing to take.
People who like to hike, run, or rollerblade for fun make you extremely nervous.
Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.