Hi, my name is Blue-eyed-blondie, and I am an attention whore.

I’m pretty sure I was born this way. If I wasn’t, I don’t remember life before it. My family always rolled their eyes as other people encouraged my narcissism. “She’s so beautiful!” I grew up hearing from family members and strangers alike. Of course, I either didn’t fully comprehend that every little girl heard that growing up. Or maybe I did, but actively pretended that I was the only one. That I was special.

I was drawn to a stage before I even realized why. For “some” reason I hated Girl Scouts and only liked ballet when I was soloing. Soon enough I accepted that groups were not my thing, so I took up piano and anxiously awaited every recital. But the thirst could not be quenched. As I always the one to be over dramatic, soon I was pulled into the world of theatre. After my first play, where I was cast as Cinderella, I was hooked. Until that, too, began to bore me.

Nowadays, my addiction has taken over my everyday life in struggles other, emotionally stable girls could never understand. These are the daily obstacles I must face.

1. Getting irrationally upset when you don’t get any new followers or likes on social media.
2. Even though you haven’t posted anything in over a week.
3. Picking food because of the ~aesthetic~ not because it actually sounds delicious.
4. The endless number of clubs, charities, events, and extracurriculars joined in effort to meet as many new people as possible.
5. Getting up at the ass crack of dawn to look good for a 9am that doesn’t even have cute guy in it.
6. Constantly juggling flirtationships with people who have no other purpose than to feed your giant ego.
7. Irrational jealousy when any person shows interest in any person other than you.
8. Obsessively checking your followers to following ratio.
9. Getting pissed when that bitch you hate has a better one.
10. Going on an extravagant trip when you’d rather stay home and relax.
11. Spray tan once a week. Mani/pedi every three weeks. Root touch ups every six weeks.
12. Boys break up with you every year before Valentine’s Day because the pressure of your expectations are way too high.
13. Refusing to let a sister borrow a dress for formal in fear that she might look better in it than you.
14. Having approximately 1,000 bikinis and “candids” at the beach in every single one of them.
15. Getting a job because you love being asked how you manage it all.
16. Even though you can’t manage it all. You’re actually dying from slaving away. But you keep at it.
17. Being every teacher’s favorite student.
18. Asking that cute guy to help tutor you, even though you have an A in the class, and having him call you out on it.
19. Having the drama you started for no good reason come and bite you in the ass.
20. “Ugh, I hate her!” said both about you and by you wayyyy too often.
21. The feeling of loneliness and *almost* guilt when a guy is officially done with your shit.
22. Constantly comparing yourself to your self-declared nemeses.
23. Having the best stories at the cost of developing a slight alcohol problem.
24. Getting mad when people won’t share in your obsession with your little.
25. The feeling of jealousy when you watch your little stop obsessing over you and start obsessing over her little.
26. Being offended if someone dares to say that your house isn’t top tier.
27. Connecting to an article on a spiritual level because it is was basically written about you.
28. Getting offended by the negative stereotypes about sorority women.
29. But getting more offended when someone tells you that you’re not a typical sorority girl. Because the entire drawer stuffed with T-shirts would beg to differ.
30. Telling everyone you know that you’re doing some crazy diet so that they will tell you that it’s unnecessary.
31. Questioning your entire body confidence when they don’t reassure you fast enough.
32. Crying to your boyfriend that if he loves you he shouldn’t *want* to shove his dick down your throat.
33. Crying to your boyfriend that if he loves you he should *want* to go down on you every chance he gets.
34. Basically being too dramatic about everything to your boyfriend, because you know you’re being ridiculous but you can’t. stop.
35. Having your boyfriend break up with you because he found out that you stalked him during guys night to see if he was cheating.
36. And because you went through his phone without his permission.
37. And threatened to key his care when you found “proof” of infidelity… but it turns out the girl telling him he’s so handsome and that she loves him was his aunt.
38. Talking mad shit on the girl who is effortlessly sexy, fun, and cool. And then later having to admit that she is actually amazing.
39. Questioning your worth because you’ve been single for years even though there is no guy you would even want to date.
40. Dragging yourself to the gym because you want to be seen there more often than you’re seen at that one burger place, and this week is dangerously close to being a tie.
41. FOMO about literally everything.
42. Being fined because you just couldn’t say no to doing it for the ‘gram.
43. Refusing to talk to your date ever again until he posts a picture of you at formal together.
44. Volunteering for every event to be known as “that” girl instead of just a party girl. But also securing your reputation of legendary party girl.
45. Having to rack your brain for who the possible father could be when you’re a day late.
46. “Pics or it didn’t happen” being the motto of your life.
47. Having your biggest fear be that you’re not a Regina George, just a Gretchen Wieners..

Nice Move1087

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Blue-eyed-blondie

Blondie excels at being an underachiever. She is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at [email protected] EDIT** if you suggest Black Mirror she's already seen it. So stop suggesting it. Seriously. Please stop suggesting it.

• @Blondie_tsm