Ah, what a beautiful day in the single life paradise.
It’s been like a solid 8 hours since I last thought about my ex, so we’re off to a good start.
Well I mean I was sleeping, and I did technically dream about him, but it wasn’t about the wedding we’ll never have.
Again. So it’s a win in my book.
And they said moving on was hard. Psh. Not for this girl.
Better check Instagram. Not to see if he posted anything, of course, just to see what’s going on in the social world.
*scroll* *scroll* *scroll* Hmm. Has he not posted anything? I mean not that I care but…
Better just go to his profile, because it would be rude not to like it if he did.
A shirtless selfie? Real original, bro.
God, he looks good.
AND LOOK AT THAT!
Rando bitch seems to think so, too.
All up on his post with the cat heart eyes.
I would refer to her as “Becky,” but she doesn’t even have nice hair.
Better check out her profile just to make sure she’s not, like, crazy or anything.
Instagram set to private? Interesting.
You know who sets their page to private? People with something to hide. I bet she has something to hide. Like an extra toe.
All I can tell from the little picture is that she has blonde hair.
I wonder if she knows she’s his cookie cutter type?
he think she’s his type?! Her bio says “yoga is life” and “fluent in sarcasm.”
WTF? Who actually enjoys yoga? People who eat kale and try to pretend that it isn’t a form of torture, that’s who.
I, for one, hate kale. I eat Taco Bell because that’s just how chill I am.
OMG DOES HE THINK I’M FAT?
Is there anything more annoying than the girls who say they’re “fluent in sarcasm”? No.
Honestly, that just means they aren’t clever enough to be funny.
Or they have a bad attitude. Probably from all the kale.
Whatever. I don’t need to stalk her.
But look at that, my Facebook app opened up.
So I might as well type in her name, just for funsies.
I’ve been obsessively searching for the past five minutes and can’t find her.
Who is this girl? Does she even really exist?
Not that I care, I just think it’s a little weird that she’s off the grid like a Goddamn psychopath.
Maybe he created a fake account knowing that I would look! Does he want me to be jealous?
Because I’m so not jealous, but what if he thinks I am?
Maybe I should text him? Just something subtle to let him know I saw his post, but that I don’t care.
I mean, we’re friends. We’re ~mature~ adults. No need to be petty.
“Sorry to see you don’t own a single fucking shirt anymore.”
Nailed it. Way to play it cool.
Just because if I had posted a picture half naked, I would have way more people commenting heart eyes on it.
Sure most of them would be sisters, but still.
He does know his brothers would totally hit it if they could, right?
I mean I could remind him.
Or post a picture with anyone of my hot friends who is real and not some fake account.
He texted back. He thinks I was joking. That’s good since I totally wasn’t being serious.
If he wants to show off his beautiful abs to the world, why should I care?
God, I’m so glad I’m over him.
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