1. Wait, didn’t this already happen?
2. I feel like I’ve see all of this, thanks to the 14768948 pictures the Kardashian family has posted in the past month.
3. Like we get it, Kris. Kendall’s in the show.
4. Maybe I wont even watch it tonight.
5. Honestly, maybe I have more important things to do. Like studying for finals.
6. Or hate stalking my ex’s new girlfriend who is totally not as pretty as me (right?).
7. Or I don’t know. Dying?
8. Ugh. Fine. I’ll watch it. For like a minute.
9. But first, I’ll order a large pizza, get some cookie dough, and wear sweats. You know, to show that I’m totally comfortable in my body.
10. “Sure I’ll add breadsticks. Lots of people here tonight.” 
11. *Glances around empty apartment.* “Can I have some sides of ranch too?”
12. Who even wants abs?
13. Not me. I’m too busy living my most meaningful, happy, delicious life. Or whatever.
14. I wonder what life is like as a hot girl, though. Hypothetically.
15. Not like a sort-of-hot girl. But like a really, really hot girl.
16. I bet they never have to pay for their coffee.
17. Or their cars.
18. I’m learning how to be fiscally responsible by paying for my shitty Jetta and my overpriced Starbs so suck on that, Angels.
19. Honestly though, I bet these girls are all total bitches.
20. I mean, no one can be that pretty and still have a good personality. Right? RIGHT?!!
21. Do they even send “thank you for sleeping over are we in love yet also what should we name our future children” text messages like I do?
22. Probably not. Because they’re rude.
23. Side note: Do they get hotter as the years go by or do I just get uglier?
24. Ughhhh. I’m going to Snapchat this. To prove just how confident I am in my own skin.
25. #PizzaWithVSModels #LOL #ILoveMyBody #ImNotCryingOnTheInside
26. I wonder if my boyfriend wished I looked like this.
27. You know. My imaginary boyfriend.
28. Wait. Is this why I don’t have a boyfriend?
29. *Runs to the bathroom, takes off all clothes, and stares at self in the mirror.*
30. Shit.
31. Do you think the gym is still open?
32. I could totally crush some miles right now.
33. Well not right now. Because Selena Gomez is about to perform. But like, later.
34. I can’t believe she’s not dating Justin Bieber. Or wait. Is she? She isn’t, right? No. I don’t know. I can’t keep up.
35. I’d date me some Justin Bieber.
36. And by “date” I mean “sleep with and then sort of hate myself for it but not enough to where I actually adhere to his non-disclosure agreement and tell all of my friends about it.”
37. But I would actually date Selena Gomez.
38. And then I could be friends with Kendall and Gigi. And we could all wear matching pajama sets and take cute Instagram photos together and happily ever after.
39. Poor Kylie. I wonder if she feels bad that she wasn’t invited.
40. You can’t sit with us. Sorry.
41. These girls get paid for being hot. And sharing their bodies. And LETTING EVERYONE SEE THEIR SACRED TEMPLES.
42. I don’t know. That just seems sort of slutty to me.
43. I would never do something like that.
44. Because I have morals.
45. Well morals and love handles. But mostly morals.
46. And besides, I totally love my love handles because my body is beautiful no matter how much cellulite I have.
47. Unless of course someone wanted to give me a personal trainer, dietician, publicist, glam squad, and personal shopper. Then fuck love handles.
48. When will Taylor Swift show up? I mean, all of her “friends” are here. She’s bound to crash this party at any time.
49. What next? Olivia Benson is going to march down the runway in angel wings (either the fictional SVU character or Tay’s cat. Your choice)?
50. I like how they say they eat before the show. Or ever.
51. I don’t even eat if I think I’m having sex that night, with the lights off. Let alone walking around, in overhead light in nothing but panties.
52. Also, can we all agree to never say panties ever again? There’s something very “Jared from Subway” about that word.
53. It’s funny that they’re trying to get us to buy clothes, by not wearing clothes.
54. But actually, that bra is really cute. So is that one.
55. Hold on, let me just grab my laptop so I can order a few things — done. Back to hating.
56. These girls are my age.
57. I always thought I’d look like that at twenty-two. Instead of the 13-year-old volunteer librarian who still wears her retainer at night for precautionary measures that I actually resemble.
58. But in my defense, cat sweaters are so fetch right now.
59. Do boys watch this?
60. Are they watching this and wishing we all looked like this?
61. This is what we should be learning in school! How to handle the fact that your fake boyfriend wants to have sex with Victoria’s Secret models and you’re only 5’3 and don’t enjoy physical activity.
62. I’d major in that shit.
63. The annoying thing is I totally ate a salad today. And I still don’t have legs that look like that.
64. Well, I ate a sandwich with lettuce on it. But same thing.
65. Whatever, I’m totally hot and I love myself and I’M PERFECT JUST THE WAY I AM.
66. *Sobs.*
67. FML..

Image via Instagram / Kendall Jenner

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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