It seems like almost every time you partake in special libations, something bad happens. You text your ex or go home with someone who you swore you would never even kiss, or maybe you just ate your weight in Taco Bell. You think you would’ve learned your lesson by now, but nope. You keep drinking and therefore, you keep making the same drunken mistakes. You don’t need to feel guilty for too long because there are hidden benefits to every drunken mistake if you just look hard enough.
Drunken Mistake #1: You Drink So Much You Get Sick
If you’ve never puked from drinking, you’re not going hard enough. This mistake is often unavoidable and bound to happen at least a few times in you college drinking career. It’s going to be awful. It’s going to be disgusting. Your friends are going to make fun of you and say you “can’t hang.” But in the event that you do spew chunks, just know that it’s not all bad.
Make it to the toilet/trash can? Lucky for you, that’s an easy cleanup job. If you’re alone, there’s a chance no one will ever know that you’re a little bitch and can’t hang. Don’t make it to the toilet/trash can? You probably needed to clean your carpet/bed/car anyway. Now you have a reason to break out the Clorox and scrub the whole place down.
Throw up before you fall asleep? The pain of your hangover tomorrow just decreased by half. It’s a proven fact that puking the night of is a thousand times better than puking the next morning. You’ll sleep like a baby and wake up feeling shitty, but not terrible. Throw up in the morning? The combination of being so hungover you might die and being violently ill is perhaps the worst thing to ever happen to you. It’s so awful that you might take this experience and actually learn from it. You’ll chill out on the drinking for awhile, saving you a lot of calories, tears, and carbs just in time for swimsuit season. Hot summer bod, here you come.
Drunken Mistake #2: Public Embarassment
There are two ways to handle public embarrassment. Either you can hide under a rock for an extended period of time and avoid the location of the incident forever, or you can own your mistake. The latter is by far the best.
Do you think Kim Kardashian (and by extension, the entire Kardashian/Jenner clan) would’ve rose to fame had Kim not faced the music and
leaked addressed the sex tape scandal when it came out? No. She can tell herself whatever she wants, but I firmly believe that her reaction to the sex tape is what made her famous. She didn’t try to scoop it under the rug. She came right out with it, and you should do the same thing.
Instead of deleting all evidence of the night in question, post that embarrassing picture of yourself with a hilarious self-deprecating caption and watch the likes pour in. Go back to the frat where you fell off of the bar and face-planted and introduce yourself as That Girl Who Ate Shit In Front Of Everyone. Own it. Laugh about it. You can’t go back and change what happened, but you can change the way people see it. Do you want people to laugh at you or laugh with you? The choice is yours.
If you do experience public embarrassment and choose to own it like a boss, congratulations, you just become a college celebrity. People know you now. Sure, it might not be for the right reasons, but look how well it worked out for the Kardashians.
Drunken Mistake #3: You Talk To Your Ex
You don’t know what happened. You thought you were over him. Maybe you were, but then alcohol happened and it’s like those feelings never went away. So you text him… a few hundred times. Or you call him and leave a voicemail or two. You wake up in the morning, check your phone, and feelings of regret and embarrassment wash over you. It looks pretty bad, doesn’t it?
Okay, it’s bad. You haven’t talked in six months and the first thing you say to him is “whyY dnt yu looooveee me anymoor??~!” But look on the bright side: at least you have an ex! Someone at some point cared about you and maybe even loved you, so even though you royally screwed up this time, at one point that guy thought you were cool enough and pretty enough to date. And at least you’re not this 33-year-old woman who has never been kissed. She doesn’t even have an ex to drunk text.
Drunken Mistake #4: Crying
Crying is like an orgasm for your emotions, as Veronica likes to say. What’s bad about having an orgasm? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. You probably would’ve enjoyed a real orgasm much more, but in a pinch, tears will do. Crying just feels good sometimes, and on the list of embarrassing things to do when drunk, this one is way down at the bottom.
Drunken Mistake #5: You Eat All Of The Fast Food
We’ve all fallen victim to a mad case of the drunchies every once in a while. When you’ve had a few, nothing looks better than literally everything on the menu, so you order it all. Portion control means nothing. You get a cheeseburger with a side of chicken tenders with fries AND tater tots because you just can’t pick one. And then you eat it all in one sitting like a rabid racoon.
One advantage of eating a thousand pounds of fast food is that you just had the best cheat meal of all time. You went all out, and now for the rest of the week you can happily eat rabbit food because you took care of literally all of your cravings at one time. It’s called health, okay?
Drunken Mistake #6: You Get In A Fight With Your Friends/Boyfriend
This tends to happen often if you’re an angry drunk like me. The good thing is, drunken arguments make absolutely no sense and they’re most likely forgotten about by morning. If it was really bad, just apologize and blame the alcohol. They should understand, and although you might have to win back your friend’s love with Starbucks or your boyfriends love with a morning beej, it’s worth it. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right? Drunken arguments can strengthen any bond, and if a drunken argument breaks a bond, well, that bond wasn’t strong enough in the first place.
Drunken Mistake #7: You Go Home With A Guy
If he’s hotter than you, congrats, beer goggles worked in your favor. You just outkicked your coverage and scored a huge goal. If you’re hotter than him, you just gave that mediocre-looking guy the best night of his life. You should feel like a goddess. Hopefully, a goddess that used a condom. If you didn’t, pray you get HPV, the most ~popular~ STD and not something worse, like herpes. If he was a good lay, you just found another guy to add to your hookup roster. If he wasn’t, well, at least you have a good story to tell. .
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