What Your Choice Of Drunchies Says About You

Taco Belle

Drunchies are an inevitable part of any girl’s night out. No matter how much we try to stick to our pre-spring break diets or pretend we still give a shit about our failed New Year’s resolutions, we convince ourselves that it does not count when drunk. As soon as any alcohol touches our lips, it’s all over. It is interesting, however, observing a girl’s drunchies preference. While some are basic as fuck, others are just plain disgusting.

There are two types of girls who prefer Chick-fil-a. The first is for the ultimate party girl who is still drunk in the morning. Not that she woke up drunk, oh no, this girl was still going after everyone else called it a night. Conversely, the other type of girl is the one who calls it a night at 9pm, goes for a ~healthy~ meal before going to sleep early and waking up sans hangover. The second type of girl gives us all a bad reputation.

Local Cute Diner
This girl is as obnoxious as she is cute. She’s the girl who is always done up perfectly with a carefree smile. You simultaneously roll your eyes at her while secretly wanting to be her. You know, the girl who just looks like she can paint a better cooler than you. She’s the living version of Sandra D.

Taco Bell
This girl spent the whole night throwing back colorful shots and dancing on tables before announcing she’s “sooooo hungry!” to all of her friends. They stumble out of the bar, call an Uber, piss off the driver, and then order way too much food. While this girl may be uncreative, she sticks with what works. Nothing can settle a stomach after a night of drinking quite like some grease and cheese. Besides, have you tried their Baja Blast Freezes??

This girl tried to be like the local diner girl but failed miserably. She claims that she wants something nicer than fast food, but then requests food of the same quality. Do you really think microwaved pancakes and unlimited burnt coffee is the best option? It’s not.

Your Famous College Town Drunk Food
We all have one. For my college it’s a pizza place called Franky’s. But maybe it’s a taco truck, or a chicken joint, it does not matter. The point is, this place is always packed, cheap, and open until at least 2am. This place is more reliable than your favorite bar and guaranteed to be mourned and missed after graduation. Seriously, nothing is more painful than being drunk in your hometown and not having this place available.

Fast Food
In-N-Out, McDonald’s, Carl’s Jr., etc. This should never be a first choice. Period. Fast food is exclusively for long road trips and high teenagers. I understand wanting a cheeseburger and fries completely. However, this bullshit is not worth the $0.25 spent. Go to an actual burger place and get a real beef burger with fresh vegetables and perfectly seasoned fries. It’s worth the extra money, trust.

Leftovers/Top Ramen
This girl had all the options of going out and went home instead. There is no reason to trust this bitch. Either she cares enough to not let her friends or even her sisters see her pig out in front of them, or she is lying to herself about being hungry. Either way, this girl is not playing by the rules. The whole point of the drunchies is that you can inhale everything in sight without guilt, and then this girl says she “doesn’t need the calories.” Fine. Have fun with your soggy noodles.

Pizza Delivery
This is my actual hero. She does not try to act like she is above it all, in fact she takes it to the next level. What is the only thing better than shoving pizza down your throat? Shoving pizza down your throat in your underwear. I think we could all learn something from this girl.

Whichever you choose, you will feel like shit the next morning. Whatever, you can always try to get your shit together next weekend.

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Blondie excels at being an underachiever. She is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at [email protected] EDIT** if you suggest Black Mirror she's already seen it. So stop suggesting it. Seriously. Please stop suggesting it.

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