Until you register for your first Human Sexuality course, you need to take a good, hard look in the mirror and realize that you only think you know about sex. And let’s be honest, you’re only taking the class because you get to watch porn for credit (SCORE). The reality, however, is that the Judy Blume book our moms gave us barely scratched the surface of teaching us about our bodies.
Face it. You don’t know as much about sex as you think you do.
But it’s okay! That’s why we all need to band together, realize that it’s a fucking blast, and start communicating. Both with the people we’re diddling and with our friends. It will make the world a much better, much more open, much more orgasmically filled place.
Let’s start with the basics. You’ve been lied to about sex for (probably) most of your life. I know, shocking. So let’s take those lies, let’s lay them out where we can all see them, and start telling the truth.
“It hurts the first few times, but it’ll stop eventually.”
UM NO. If something is hurting – unless we’re talking about BDSM and there are safe words and consent involved – that means something is wrong. I don’t care if this is the first time you’ve had sex in a few months or if it’s the first time you’re trying something like buttstuff2015. It’s. not. supposed. to. hurt. And don’t get me wrong, there’s a difference between discomfort and pain. But if you are in pain you should stop and reassess, lest you do some actual damage.
“There’s such a thing as “too much” masturbation.”
If you can’t get yourself off, how in the hell can you expect for someone else to do it for you? There is, however, such a thing as having a masturbation style that’s impossible for another person to replicate. Think of the girl who is way too obsessed with direct contact from the highest setting on her vibrator. Or the guy who whacks his dick like it’s a Shake Weight. How do you combat this? You resist the urge to get yourself off like that for a few weeks or you ask your dude to do the same. Yeah, not rubbing one out whenever you feel like it is going to suck, but it’ll be way better for your sex life in the long run.
“Oysters, green M&Ms, and red wine make you horny.”
Nope, they’re just foods. You’re just either:
A) Excited and impressed that you ate overly priced seafood and he footed the bill.
B) Eating chocolate.
But either way if you’re feeling it, go for it! Just tread carefully with the drunk sex, okay?
“You can’t change your mind after you start.”
Sure you can. You can change your mind about anything and have the legal right to say and do so. I don’t care if you’re in the car and haven’t so much as kissed goodnight or if you’re post-blowjob and he’s running out the door to find a condom. If you don’t want to do something you don’t have to. Speak up and say no. Moving right along.
“You won’t need lube if you’re turned on enough.”
Oh sweet lord. This is such a load of bullshit. There are so many factors that determine lubrication it’s not even funny. Your arousal level is, frankly, at the bottom of the list. Yeah, it’s sure going to help but your overall health, your sobriety (yet another reason to be careful with the drunk sex, girls), whether or not you’ve already came, or just you yourself and your body: they can all have an effect on what’s going on down there. There’s no shame in having a little bottle of KY next to your bed. He’ll probably thank you for it.
“People with kinks outside of the vanilla world come from a background that involves some sort of abuse.”
Woah woah woah woah WOAH. This is one of the most dangerous stereotypes out there. I don’t know if it’s stemmed from the 50 Shades mania (Thanks for the ridiculously inaccurate Dom/Sub painting, EL James. You fucking owe US) or what, but it’s not only really, completely offensive. It’s also really, completely untrue. Sexual preferences, kinks, and fantasies can come from a variety of places, and often there’s really no real rhyme or reason as to why they exist. The fact of the matter is you should feel comfortable talking to your partner and if something isn’t your cup of tea, don’t take a sip.
No it doesn’t. JK. It does. Or does it? Sorry gents. That’s one secret I’ll never tell..