Your boyfriend sucks. There’s just no way around it. Your friends are trying to be good people and hint to the fact that you can do way better, but you are just not having it. They just don’t understand, so you have to explain it to them. You will always stand up for your man. Why? Who knows. But you’re not about to try out the single life again, so you’ll work with what you’ve got.
1. “He’s really nice once you get to know him.”
Translation: He is a bag of dicks. He’s only nice to you because he get to pork you, but he’s still nice, right? He has friends, so they have to see redeeming qualities in him too. Your friends just have to get past the initial repugnant behavior before they can passively tolerate him.
2. “He’s working really hard on himself right now.”
His felony was only for trespassing. It like barely counts. Besides, he hasn’t done it since, so clearly he’s matured and learned his lesson. His parole officer described him as “improving” so if that’s not enough to convince them, then they are just ignorant.
Seriously, it’s so much better to be with a guy who doesn’t take care of himself. It totally takes the pressure off of you. No, you’ve never had sex with the lights on, but only psychos do that. Plus, it’s what’s on the inside that counts. Which to be fair, isn’t much better, but it’s better nonetheless.
4. “He’s so honest with me.”
His criticisms are frequent, but they are intended to be constructive. One of your favorite things about him is that he keeps you grounded. When you haven’t gotten your eyebrows done in a few weeks, he’ll make sure to point out the furry caterpillar creatures that are attacking you. When you say something stupid, he’ll tweet it just to hold you accountable for your words. He’ll point out that glaring zit on your face just in case you haven’t seen it yet so you can take care of it. It’s gross and embarrassing.
5. “He never makes me pay for anything.”
And by that you mean you never have to pay for the drugs that he sells. He’ll also get you Chipotle once in a while, which he knows is your favorite. He eats half of it in the car, but only because he knows you should lose some weight. Who said chivalry was dead?
6. “He likes me for me.”
When he said you’re not usually his type, he meant it in a good way. What he was trying to say is he usually thinks that tall girls are freaks of nature, but there was something about you that made you special. He saw past your Amazon-like features and was able to accept you for who you are, so you can accept the fact that he is a raging asshole.
7. “But the sex is so good.”
At the end of the day, you stick around to keep that dick around. And for your friends to wish celibacy upon you is hateful. Maybe they’re the ones you should break up with. On second thought, probably not..