Celebrities — they’re just like us! They, too, have at some point dated a “Dave” whose only “job” was being the creepy non-student who hung around campus too often selling alcohol to minors. Am I getting too specific here? My point is, not all celebrities date celebrities. Some of them date normals just like you and me, which just goes to show that anyone with a dream and a connection can date her celebrity crush and get one step closer to Instagram fame.
1. Kevin Jonas
Everyone’s least favorite Jonas brother (seriously, the girls in middle school who had a crush on him were generally the weird ones that your mom “wanted you to stay away from”) is married to Danielle Deleasa, a former hairstylist. The two of them starred in a short lived reality TV show, Married to Jonas, that was on air for two seasons until everyone realized they didn’t give a fuck about the lamest Jo-Bro. I applaud Dani for her solid attempt at making the best of marrying a has-been celebrity.
2. Christian Bale
Bale is married to Sibi Blasic, a Personal Assistant. If you’re going to be strategic about planning to marry a celebrity, take a page from Blasic’s book and get into Hollywood first. Even if you don’t have the beauty, talent or skills to be famous yourself, it’s basically a guaranteed way to surround yourself with celebrities. How you go about actually hooking one is up to you, but if they can do it, so can you!
3. Paul Rudd
An un-comprehensive list of everyone hot in Hollywood that Rudd has made out with (in the name of “acting”): Alicia Silverstone, Leslie Mann, Jennifer Anniston, Elizabeth Banks, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Rashida Jones, Michelle Pfeiffer, Kate McKinnon, Lake Bell, Courtney Love, and I’m sure the list goes on. His wife, Julie Yaeger, a film crew member, who likes to stay out of the spotlight, must be very supportive as I’m sure her husband comes home satisfied from a day of making out with the most beautiful women in the world. The convenience!
Everyone’s favorite wolf was dating Seana Gorlick, a girl he knew from his childhood. Gorlick, who is now a celebrity stylist, seems like the girl that you were “sort of friendly” with in high school, but unfriended two years later when she wouldn’t shut the fuck up about the shockingly hot guy that she was dating. Moral of this story is if you want to get a celebrity, but know that there’s no way you’re capable of competing with models and other celebrities, catch them when they’re young and insecure.
5. Matt Damon
Did Damon fall in love with his wife, Luciana Barroso, because he found her attractive, smart and funny, or was he just blinded by the fact that she was a bartender? When someone is giving you alcohol and being overly nice to you, it’s easy to forget that they’re just doing their job, not actually flirting with you. Don’t worry Damon, it happens to the best of us. You just unfortunately committed.
6. Jesse Williams
Aryn Drake-Lee, a real estate broker, hooked this dictionary definition of a dreamboat before he was famous. I’m telling you, this seems like the most realistic option when it comes to marrying fame. Sure, you have to put up with watching them swap spit with half of Hollywood (all of whom will be considerably hotter than you), but you still claim bragging rights and part of their, probably generous, Grey’s Anatomy salary.
7. Jimmy Fallon
Nancy Juvonen married America’s favorite funny man when she was a film producer herself. I hate to say it, but I actually really like these two together. I couldn’t imagine Jimmy coming home at night to a 22-year-old Victoria’s Secret model who pretends to laugh at all of his jokes, and has to Google his political references when he’s not looking.
8. Alec Baldwin
Yes, this almost 59-year-old actor is on the list, and don’t you fucking dare @ me. Not only is he my ultimate celebrity crush, but he is the ultimate daddy, and taking on the Baldwin last name is the ultimate goal of hopefully every woman. Baldwin is married to Hilaria Thomas, a 27-year-old yoga instructor. Thomas, from her very active social media presence, seems like a perfectly good wife, mother and flexible bitch. However, I’m assuming that Baldwin hasn’t lost his love for women who are considerably too young for him, and will flee before her thirtieth birthday. And when he does, I’ll be waiting..
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