Being a girl is hard. We’re expected to find someone to settle down with, have a family, have fun with our friends, and become a salesperson for some giant corporation. Oh. Wait. I’m sorry, I got that mixed up. Being a girl is hard because we’re expected to be really fucking hot and cater to everyone else’s every needs while somehow feeling like we have a sense of purpose and accomplishment. And we have to know how to contour. Shit’s hard. And while getting ahead in the male-dominated workforce can be difficult, finding someone to love us can be one of the hardest, most soul-crushing things of all. Everyone is off getting engaged and you’re just sitting there, eating a bag of Cheetos and deciding whether or not you should wash your hands before grabbing your vibrator.
And so, to save yourself some batteries, some solo sex, and possibly a UTI (don’t get powdered cheese up there, trust) here are a few foolproof ways to trick some unsuspecting guy into loving you forever and ever and ever.
1. Be Open Minded
Let me guess. You want a guy with bright blue eyes, dark hair, tanned skin, that delicious “v” muscle that points to his giant dick wallet and is just as rugged and manly as he is sensitive and orally skilled? Yes. Duh. We all do. But odds are instead of blue eyes he’ll have brown eyes, and instead of being 6-feet tall he’s 5’10 and instead of being well-endowed he’ll just be, well, endowed. I’m not saying settle, but maybe don’t write a guy off just because he isn’t your idea of perfect. Okay. Maybe I’m saying settle, just a little bit. Jk. Sort of.
2. Share Some Common Interests
I’m not saying like everything he likes, but I am saying give them a shot. Just because you think sports are dumb and ribs are gross, it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t spend every Sunday sitting on the couch next to him, slurping back BBQ sauce and yelling at the TV. You don’t have to love everything he loves, but you eventually have to compromise. But don’t expect him to give things like musicals, reality TV, or Starbucks a try. Those are girl things. Don’t be weird.
3. Take Things Slow
It takes awhile for guys to figure out what they want, so trying to rush him is a surefire way to scare him off. Be willing to settle for last minute plans, spur of the moment flaking, and finding hair ties that don’t belong to you in his bed because “you’re just friends” after all. If you feel the need have “the talk” calmly delete his number and remind yourself that love means waiting around for months just to see if he’ll commit.
4. Date Down
If you’re a 10, you need to understand that guys who are 5s will be after you. And not charming, nice, husband-worthy guys. But gross, crude, not-so-hygienic guys. And if you’re anything less than a 10 you need to accept that trolls who live under bridges will be thirsty for you (but only after they try with the 10s, of course). If you’re not dating down then you’re just wasting valuable time that could be spent dating a guy who will go bald prematurely and breathe with his mouth open.
5. Spends Hours, If Not Years, Researching How To Trick Him Into Loving You
You’re already on a great start by clicking this article. As you know, men spend almost all of their spare time obsessing over how to find a girl to wife-up. If we’re not doing the same, odds are our vaginas will literally close up. It’s science. Research ways to make guys love you and dedicate every precious moment you have to slowly become Kardashian-hot. I mean, why else do you think all of the guys we date look like Ryan Gosling in Crazy, Stupid, Love? See? It’s all making sense.
6. If You’re Not giving An Absurd Amount Of Blow Jobs, You Should Just Accept That You’ll Die Alone
If you’re ever sitting around and all of a sudden you realize you don’t have a penis in your mouth, you should probably just give up. Moments you spend not giving oral are moments that could lead you to ending up alone. If you find yourself spending more of your time using your mouth for pointless things (like talking or voicing opinions) instead of what your mouth was meant for (blow jobs) then you either need to buy some cats or get to sucking, STAT.
7. Literally Turn Into A Human Doormat
I don’t mean just let him walk all over you figuratively. Sure, let him cancel plans or text other girls or be all-around sketchy. Don’t say anything because like, come on. Clingy isn’t sexy. No. I mean literally turn into a doormat. Lay in front of the entrance to his apartment and allow him to step on you to clean off his Sperry’s before entering his disgusting dwellings. Oh. And be cool about the other stuff. How to you expect to find love if you stick up for your values?
8. Consider Witchcraft Or Human Sacrifice
To be totally honest, I haven’t read up *tons* on the Illuminati or Pagan rituals. But I’m sure somewhere in there is a handy step-by-step guide to putting a spell on a man. Sure, you might have to sell your soul or drink the blood of an animal. But if that means having a guy to complain about, turn down when he wants sex, and use as a social media prop, what are you waiting for? Grab your black cloak and your dagger and get to spell casting, witches!
See? Easy-peasy!.
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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