- Ah, what a beautiful day in the single life paradise.
- It’s been like a solid 8 hours since I last thought about my ex, so we’re off to a good start.
- Well I mean I was sleeping, and I did technically dream about him, but it wasn’t about the wedding we’ll never have.
- Again. So it’s a win in my book.
- And they said moving on was hard. Psh. Not for this girl.
- Better check Instagram. Not to see if he posted anything, of course, just to see what’s going on in the social world.
- *scroll* *scroll* *scroll* Hmm. Has he not posted anything? I mean not that I care but…
- Better just go to his profile, because it would be rude not to like it if he did.
- A shirtless selfie? Real original, bro.
- God, he looks good.
- AND LOOK AT THAT!
- Rando bitch seems to think so, too.
- All up on his post with the cat heart eyes.
- I would refer to her as “Becky,” but she doesn’t even have nice hair.
- Better check out her profile just to make sure she’s not, like, crazy or anything.
- Instagram set to private? Interesting.
- You know who sets their page to private? People with something to hide. I bet she has something to hide. Like an extra toe.
- All I can tell from the little picture is that she has blonde hair.
- I wonder if she knows she’s his cookie cutter type?
- OMG does he think she’s his type?!
- Her bio says “yoga is life” and “fluent in sarcasm.”
- WTF? Who actually enjoys yoga? People who eat kale and try to pretend that it isn’t a form of torture, that’s who.
- I, for one, hate kale. I eat Taco Bell because that’s just how chill I am.
- OMG DOES HE THINK I’M FAT?
- Is there anything more annoying than the girls who say they’re “fluent in sarcasm”? No.
- Honestly, that just means they aren’t clever enough to be funny.
- Or they have a bad attitude. Probably from all the kale.
- Whatever. I don’t need to stalk her.
- But look at that, my Facebook app opened up.
- So I might as well type in her name, just for funsies.
- I’ve been obsessively searching for the past five minutes and can’t find her.
- Who is this girl? Does she even really exist?
- Not that I care, I just think it’s a little weird that she’s off the grid like a Goddamn psychopath.
- Maybe he created a fake account knowing that I would look! Does he want me to be jealous?
- Because I’m so not jealous, but what if he thinks I am?
- Maybe I should text him? Just something subtle to let him know I saw his post, but that I don’t care.
- I mean, we’re friends. We’re ~mature~ adults. No need to be petty.
- “Sorry to see you don’t own a single fucking shirt anymore.”
- Nailed it. Way to play it cool.
- Just because if I had posted a picture half naked, I would have way more people commenting heart eyes on it.
- Sure most of them would be sisters, but still.
- He does know his brothers would totally hit it if they could, right?
- I mean I could remind him.
- Or post a picture with anyone of my hot friends who is real and not some fake account.
- He texted back. He thinks I was joking. That’s good since I totally wasn’t being serious.
- If he wants to show off his beautiful abs to the world, why should I care?
- God, I’m so glad I’m over him..
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