There are a few key steps in getting over a breakup First, of course, is putting the SOB’s social media accounts on pretty much 24-hour surveillance to see if he’s hooking up with someone else or doing better than you are post-split. Second, you have to consider hooking up with one of his friends. I’m not saying you’ll do it. (I’m not saying you won’t, either.) You just have to consider it. And finally, the most classic step in getting over someone who decided to take a machete to your heart? Fuck with your hair.
A coping mechanism as old as hair dye itself, altering your look is a crucial part of the healing process. He always loved you as a blonde? Fuck it, you’re going dark. Your dark hair always made you look ~exotic?~ Looks like it’s time to throw some blonde in there and turn over a new, basic leaf. And while choosing to color your hair is the universal “I’m hurting because some dick decided to make out with my roommate when my communications class ran late” sign, there’s a reason we all do it: It just feels good.
Highlights
The most basic “I just want to be wild” hair look, getting highlights is the equivalent of eating a whole pint of ice cream in bed with crying over Bridget fucking Jones. It’s cliché, it’s fake, and yet, every single basic girl who does it acts like it’s the biggest deal ever. No one cares that you’ve never dyed your ugly hair before, and no one can even tell you put a few caramel streaks in there. Dry your eyes and take comfort in the fact that you finally branched out and did something that most of us did in middle school. Next step? Cursing in front of your parents. Doesn’t it feel good to be baddddd?
Bleached Fucking Blonde
If highlights are the basic choice for broken-hearted ladies, going b-l-o-n-d-e is the basic choice on crack. Whether you spend hundreds of dollars and an absurd amount of time in a salon chair transforming your hair into something Pamela Anderson-inspired, or if you just say to hell with it, grab a box kit, and watch as your hair falls out in the sink, going bleached blonde not only says you’ve been totally scorned but that you’re going to do everything in your power to make the asshole pay. You know, in a fun, sexy way!
Auburn
Nothing sparks a little drama like adding some red hues to your hair. While sure, red is the general color that we all shy away from (and for good reason), when applied correctly and on the right (read: hot) person, a rich auburn transformation gives off the ultimate bad bitch vibe. Will you take up smoking? Maybe. Is whiskey on the rocks going to be your new go-to drink? Probably. Will you wear cut off band tees, rock your seemingly effortless abs, and still make a belly button piercing look cool? Absolutely. Turning the correct shade of ginger can prove that not only are you better than all of the peasants but that you. don’t. need. no. fucking. man. Just be wary of how red you go…
Fire Engine Red
You know how I said you have to be careful how red you go? There’s a difference between a sexy auburn shade and a “your head is on fire” shade. The difference? The fact that one will instantly make you look like a stripper named Cinnamon who has daddy issues and an ex-boyfriend named Fred. Or Ed. Or Buck. It’s not so much that it makes you tacky, but wait. Actually, yes. It does. What next? You’ll get a French mani and show up to a wedding wearing white?
Brunette
There’s something poetic about a brunette going blonde and a blonde going brunette. If you have to color your hair after getting your ego destroyed, you might as well go the shade that is absolutely your archenemy of hair colors. The thing is, when brunettes go blonde, it always seems like a fun, exciting choice. When blondes go brunette, however, it’s always a little depressing. Sure, it probably makes you look less washed out and like you enjoy binging on documentaries instead of old seasons of 90210 in your spare time, but it also just seems like you lost your will to live. There’s nothing sadder than a blonde who tries to hide her shine behind a boxed mousey brown.
Black
Nothing says that you’ve completely lost your ability to love and plan to spend the rest of your life cutting off dicks and eating them for breakfast like going over to the dark side completely. Not only does it look like you practice witchcraft in your spare time and suck the souls out of people like a fucking dementor, but it’s so drastically scary that everyone will just leave you the hell alone. And at the end of the day, isn’t that sort of the dream? Grab your healing crystals, start drinking out of a skull, and let your life change for good.
Something ~WiLd & fReE~
You decided that Instagram likes were more important than finding love again. Sure, getting in a new relationship would be great. But do you know what would be even better? Breaking your current like record after dyeing your hair fucking violet. Finding love and a person to spend time with is good and all, but will that really help you reach your dream of having 10k+ followers and selling detox tea online? It’s called priorities, and it looks like you finally got yours in perspective..
Image via Shutterstock
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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