Miley has unleashed her new “album” onto the world today, and even better, it’s for free. While I appreciate the kind gesture, there’s a reason it’s free, and it’s not just a passive aggressive dig at Taylor Swift. Remember when Miley killed this cover of “Jolene”? Pure, raw talent.
Remember “Bangerz,” the entire album of back to back hits? We got “We Can’t Stop,” we got “Wrecking Ball,” we got “Do My Thang.” The list goes on. To put it kindly, the notion of paying for “Miley Cyrus & Her Dead Petz” is offensive after she set the bar so high in the past.
This new “album” features 23 — which is probably a nod to better times — tracks that sound like they were produced on Garage Band in a basement while high off LSD, then at the last minute slapped a few “Mike Will Made Its” onto it. Which honestly, may not be too far off.
1. Dooo It!
This is the track Miley debuted at the VMAs, and so graciously created a weird porn-y music video for. It had the potential to be a much better song than what it is. It’s the perfect song to play at a creepy strobe light party.
2. Karen Don’t Be Sad
Not entirely sure who Karen is, but I can fux with this song. If you were making an indie movie for the Sundance Film Festival, this song would for sure be on the soundtrack. A solid, chill song.
3. The Floyd Song (Sunrise)
Going with the theme of the album title, this song is a ballad of mourning over Miley’s former husky Floyd. If you struggle through to the end of this song, mad props.
4. Something About Space Dude
I think what bothers me the most about the song is the ambiguity of the title due to a case of the missing comma. Is she singing about some astronaut hunk, and referring to him as a space dude, or is she telling one of her bros, there’s “Something About Space, Dude”? Infuriating.
5. Space Boots
Perhaps a song about the mysterious “Space Dude?” This song is perfect for any former girlfriend or wife of an astronaut.
6. Fuckin Fucked Up
This is fifty seconds of Miley eloquently repeating “fucked up.” Fifty seconds of your life you’ll never get back.
7. BB Talk
Huzzah! A good song! This is a super emotional, and real song we can all relate to about getting over an ex. In my heart, I really hope this song is about Liam Hemsworth. Engaged Miley mems. <3
8. Fweaky
#MikeWillMadeIt
9. Bang Me Box
Miley being Miley and singing about being freaky in bed. Good tune to add to your getting freaky playlist.
10. Milky Milky Milk
No comment on this one. Weird af.
11. Cyrus Skies
A very Lana Del Rey inspired track. If you like Lana, you’ll like this song.
12. Slab of Butter (Scorpion)(Feat Sarah Barthel of Phantogram)
Pretty sure this song was written about a sexual encounter during a bad trip. Pretty much sounds like you’d expect. Catchy bass line, though.
13. I’m so Drunk
The forty-six second sequel to “Fuckin Fucked Up.”
14. I Forgive Yiew
A millennial anthem about putting up with cheating fuck boys. Includes the super quotable lyrics, “life’s a bunch of texts and we’re doin’ our best.”
15. I Get So Scared
A really great song about the fear of never getting over someone. I really hope this one is about Liam’s abs and perfect smile.
16. Lighter
Had this been released in the ’80s, John Hughes would’ve used this song for a scene where the two star-crossed lovers are falling in love.
17. Tangerine
Perfect song for moody twenty-somethings trying to “find themselves.”
18. Tiger Dreams
Snooooooooze.
19. Evil is but a Shadow
Pretty boring, and beyond slow.
20. 1 Sun
The hippie version of “YOLO.”
21. Pablow The Blowfish
Miley released this song awhile back including a tearful performance about her dead blowfish. You can watch it here.
22. Miley Tibetan Bowlzzz
If you don’t mind a song without lyrics, this song is alright. It’s just Miley humming along to a moody melody.
23. Twinkle Song
This song has a really catchy piano accompaniment that is very similar to “The Climb.” If you need to let out a good cry, this is the song for you.
My recommendation is not to waste your time, and just listen “Party In The USA” on repeat instead..
Image via YouTube
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Rachel Page
Rachel enjoys spending her time thinking about Britney Spears, whining about being single, and thinking about Britney Spears. She doesn't take to criticism well, so be nice or so she will cry herself to sleep! Email: rpage@grandex.co
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