A Comprehensive List Of Excuses For People Who Hate Going Out

A Comprehensive List Of Excuses For People Who Hate Going Out

I’m definitely not the first one to discover this, but, after a long day of school/work/life it’s nice to come home, take your pants off, eat a bag of chips on your own and watch TV. Some days, the thought of hopping in the shower, taking off the now-ugly makeup that you were wearing all day, just to reapply it, rush through a bottle of wine to get drunk as quickly as possible (ok, this might actually be the only enjoyable part), just to go to a bar to talk to people you don’t really like, not that it matters anyway, since you can’t fucking hear them. Option A has you waking up, feeling refereed apart from the Cheetos dust thats al over your boobs; while option B has you waking up feeling like a truck has run over you, leaving you to use your still-slightly-drunk logic to decide whether you want to throw up or eat McDonalds (spoiler: both are going to happen).

I’m not encouraging you to be a homebody, who owns three cats and a vibrator and never leaves the house again; but on the occasion, it’s not a crime to have some “me time.” Unfortunately, your friends seem to think it is. When you suggest a quiet night in, they come armed with a box of wine and a season of The Bachelor, which they’re prepared to yell over. It’s hard to tell them that a quiet night in actually doesn’t involve them; so instead of being upfront and honest to your friends, just take the easier route, and give them an excuse.

Coming from someone who thinks the best way to drink wine is on a couch, and whose hobbies include avoiding people, here is a comprehensive list of my personal excuses for getting out of just about anything. Just note that by giving these to you, I am also screwing myself over; since now my friends can numerically reference the excuse that I’m using for why I’m acting like a piece of shit.

1. “My roommate just broke up with her boyfriend.”
This one is guaranteed to work every time. Everyone who has just gotten dumped needs a babysitter, and who better to fill that role than a roommate? By making the dumpee someone other than yourself, you can make this lie as long or short as it needs to be. Your roomie could make a speedy recovery the next day when you want to go for brunch with the girls, but fall into a relapse in two weeks when your friend is begging you to go on a double date with some loser.

2. “I’m so bloated right now.”
Claiming that you’re sick isn’t good enough. Unless you’re visibly on the brink of death, there’s a good chance that your friend will either roll their eyes and tell you that “you’re fine” or she’ll use the good ol’ excuse that vodka will actually make you feel better, since “it kills germs.” You know what doesn’t get fucked with? Saying that you’re bloated. Just as girls intuitively know that you never go to the bathroom alone; they know that you never go out when you’re sporting a belly that looks like you’re three months pregnant.

3. “I have a study date.”
This one is so ambiguous, it’s perfect. When you use this, it’s not entirely clear whether you’re bailing because you actually need to study, because you have a date, or because you’re going to get notes, help and advice from some poor guy who’s willing to help you pass the class because he thinks he has a shot at getting in your pants (spoiler: he doesn’t). Either way, all of these options are far more important than spending a night drinking drinks that have too many calories, justifying all of your decisions on the basis of “it’s girls night,” and ultimately having at least one girl end the night crying in the bathroom over her never ending single-dom.

4. “I completely forgot that I had an essay due tomorrow.”
Obviously under this excuse, your friends will probably see you as the irresponsible student (that you only truly are some of the time). However, they would look like shitty, unsupportive friends if they suggest that you forgo possible academic success simply for a rowdy night out. If they even try to suggest that you can still get drunk with them, while you’re in these stressful conditions you have every right to call them out … and forget that you’re the shitty person in the first place for lying (since an unsupportive friend is much worse than a liar).

5. “I’m having an eyeliner meltdown.”
Look, we’ve all been there. You went into the process expecting a cute, sophisticated cat-eye, and ended up with an Amy Winehouse look. Since then, you’ve repeated the process six times; and now the skin around your eyes is raw. After try seven, you break down in tears, ruining the whole look. Your look is, in absolutely no way, redeemable, and all of your friends are already too drunk to be able to fix your mistakes. You’re not going out looking like you might be infectious. While your friends might feel bad for you; ultimately, they don’t want to be seen with puffy-eyed you anyway.

6. “I’ll just meet you there!”
This is the ultimate excuse. Lead your friends to believe that you’ll meet them at whatever bar or club that they’re going to. Allow them time not only to get inside of said bar, but to awkwardly wait by the door; since they’re under the assumption that you’re “I’ll be right there” texts are actually true. After an appropriate amount of time, tell them that the bouncer didn’t let you in, or the line was too long, or that your heel broke… all from the comfort of your bed, since you were never actually planning on going in the first place.

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Hiding from my mother and standards, both of whom would disown me if they heard most of these stories. Aspiring law school student, with a chihuahua named Bruiser and a head of unnatural blonde hair. Email me your "crazy" stories or any mixed drink recipes that taste like juice, but have copious amounts of vodka in them at [email protected] Watch the bitch behind these stories at:

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