A Hilariously Honest Review Of A College House Party

House Party

What says “college” more then all nighter’s at the library and sleep deprivation? A house party. Events like these are where you can really let loose after (or before) a big exam and finally see your classmates’ true colors. Remember the nerdy girl from History 305? Don’t be surprised if you see her dancing on the table, chugging a bottle of Burnett’s as if it were water. These soirees happen in every college town and are a fantastic representation of your well-respected University’s student body.

A house party’s environment will consist of five things:

  • A basement that may or may not be straight out of a horror movie. This is essential to any house party. These grimy basements and close quarters create the perfect environment for making bad decisions and sweating profusely.
  • Floors with a questionable substance that your feet will always stick to. A word to the wise, never ask what it is.
  • Freshmen in crop tops even if there is snow on the ground. However, these girls are always thinking ahead, they will be sure to use that sweatshirt you gave out at your bat mitzvah as a Fracket (frat-jacket) to avoid frost bite.
  • Elevated surfaces. If you are a girl who went to college, you are a liar if you say you never danced on a platform in a crowded basement. Let’s be real.
  • The “WOOO” girls. These girls are a quintessential aspect for any house party. These lovely ladies get excited over anything. Ask them to take a shot? “WOO.” The DJ (and by DJ I mean an iPhone pugged into an aux cord) plays a song that reminds them of senior prom? “WOO.” That cute boy who sat next them in calc all semester finally called them “Jess” and not “Ashley?” “WOOOOOOOO.” They are aggressive, and they are scary.

When attending a friendly get-together, the host will be sure to provide their guests with beverages for the evening. If your host is on a budget, there will most likely be one, maybe two, kegs of watered down beer. It quenches your thirst really, but you may want to bring a water bottle not filled with water for back up. If Wednesday nights are your thing, you will more then likely have limitless options of the finest wine your college town has to offer. Nine times out of ten, it’s Franzia. Nothing tastes better then cheap wine in a plastic bag!

However, you may have been invited to a house party thrown by the hostess with the mostess who wants to ensure that their guests will never go more then five minutes with an empty cup. Kegs, wine bags, and a surprisingly bright colored liquid flowing out of a Gatorade Jug will be provided. Be sure to thank your host for these delicious beverages. They worked hard to make sure the perfect drink selection was created so you don’t remember calling your ex seventeen times.

What’s a party without music? Not a party. House music will be blasted throughout all floors and you most likely will have a ringing in your ears the next morning, along with a massive headache. During every song you will hear someone (probably a “WOO” girl) squeal, “This is literally my song, I’m not even kidding!” and proceeded to sing the entire song with the wrong lyrics. You will hear the same Drake song about seven times and someone will get too emotional when Biz Markie’s American classic “Just a Friend” comes on. You are not at a college house party if R. Kelly’s “Ignition (Remix)” doesn’t play. This is a must. If “Ignition (Remix)” does not come on by roughly 1:47 a.m. then you need play it. On repeat. Congratulations, you just saved the party. Also, be prepared for the greatest throw back of all time, “Come on Eileen” to play towards the end of your night. If the creatively named playlist being used has this song on it, you hit it big time. Everyone in the house will claim it’s their favorite song even though they only know three words from the chorus and would not be able to tell you who sang it if their life depended on it (Dexys Midnight Runners, you’re welcome).

These parties are absolutely the most overrated aspects of college. While they are unsanitary and will leave you filled with regret, they make for great nights. The lack of memories you make at these events will last a lifetime. Just wait until you’re twenty-one, underclassmen. The bar scene is a different world filled with long lines and overpriced drinks.

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Self proclaimed pizza connoisseur

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