Rachel: What is going on with Lindsay right now?
Amanda: Oh my God, I was literally just about to text you.
Rachel: It’s like, she came back to the public eye in the fall, and all her hair was covered up by a hijab, and now I guess she’s on crack.
Amanda: HAHAHAHAHA. Omg. Deceased.
Amanda: But it’s more like now I guess she’s OFF crack, technically. Cocaine. Whatever. Same thing. Have you talked to her?
Rachel: Okay, so we haven’t like ~really~ talked in awhile. I mean, I still always consider her a friend, just because she’s like, kind of permanently in that category or whatever, ya know? But I couldn’t text her and be like “what the fuck is going on with you. Are you converting to Islam? Why the fuck do you have an accent?” Have you?
Amanda: I talked to her a little bit, but didn’t really ask. I was just like, heard you’ve been spending time in the Middle East, and she kind of just gave me some BS PR statement about how they need us and she’s doing good work over there and stuff.
Rachel: I mean, I think she IS doing good work.
Amanda: No, I mean, definitely. It’s just like. I don’t know.
Rachel: No, I know.
Amanda: Can I say something bad?
Rachel: Always.
Amanda: Okay. I mean. You know I love Lindsay. But like. Do you think there’s, like, even the slightest chance that she’s doing all this for a guy?
Rachel: OMG
Amanda: I mean! Remember when she started dating Sam Ronson and she like started looking into Judaism and everyone was like “is she a chosen person now?” And it’s like. No. She’s JUST munching box, not having a spiritual awakening.
Rachel: BAHAHAHAH. This is SOLELY a muff-diving situation. She’s still not on good terms with God.
Amanda: Right? And like. Oil money. I feel like basically every single person in Dubai is a prince, so it makes sense.
Rachel: I mean, I seeeee what you’re saying, but I honestly really don’t think so. I think she just needs something to be passionate about since it’s not drugs or sex or partying any more.
Amanda: I mean, I get that, I guess.
Rachel: It’s unexpected, for sure, but I truthfully think if she’s going all in, it will be good for her. I don’t personally *get* it, but diving head first into religion is better than a lot of her choices in the past.
Amanda: Way better than diving head first into a vagina.
Rachel: Hahaha, lowkey though, I would literally let anyone go down on me, so like. No judgment.
Amanda: Oh, me too. Absolutely.
Rachel: Wait, so back to business. Is she actually converting or is that a rumor?
Amanda: I don’t think she’s officially converting to Islam. I mean, you saw obviously that all of her social media is blank and that she has that weird Arabic bio. But I think it’s more like just a new hobby than anything. And so, I guess, good for her. If she’s happy and healthy, then I’m glad for her.
Rachel: Yeah, same. Okay. I’m glad we talked this out. You want to go to Taco Bell?
Amanda: Always. Get your hoe ass over here immediately.
Rachel: K, here I come. Love you long time. Bai..
To read the text conversation between Gigi and Bella Hadid after Selena was caught kissing the Weeknd, click here.
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
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