A Timeline To Clarify WTF Is Going On Between Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber

A Timeline To Clarify WTF Is Going On Between Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber

Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are that annoying AF couple that continually break up, date other people that they claim are “the ones,” break up with those people, get back together, and so on… all while sharing each and every moment on social media. As horrible as they are, I stay Facebook friends with them as a source of entertainment and a continual reminder on how my life (or the life I portray on social media) really isn’t that bad.

Biebs and Selena are so much worse. Forget constantly rotating their profile pictures from one of them kissing at formal to one in a scandalous dress with a caption about how fun it is to be single… these two are playing on a much bigger scale. Through celebrity interviews, songs, alleged diss tracks and an endless stream of paparazzi pictures, it’s gotten to the point where I cringe at the word “Jelena” but am still so fucking invested in figuring out if they’re together or not.

Yesterday, US Weekly shared photos of the two of them looking undeniably couple-y. Forget the snuggling and touching – the two of them look like they just rolled out of bed (the same one perhaps?), and Justin looks so incredibly douchey that there’s no way he would possibly dress like that if he was trying to impress anyone (because we all know that the second you get a significant other is the second you stop giving AF and start living your most unattractive life).

These photos were taken just days after Selena broke up with her boyfriend of 10 months, The Weeknd. TMZ reported the breakup on October 30th; allegedly The Weeknd ended things with Gomez over the phone… which everyone knows is not one of the signs of a good breakup. Another thing that must have added flames to the fire? The day before the breakup was publicly announced, Gomez was seen having drinks with Bieber.

Let’s be honest, if you saw your friend out for (what looks to be) post hook-up drinks with a guy who isn’t her boyfriend, and then the next day she told you that she broke up with her long term guy… wouldn’t you be at least a little suspicious? She got caught, just like you did when you got a little too friendly with the guy that you took to formal as “just a friend” when your boyfriend was out of town. She made the strategic PR move to just go with it, instead of deny being so obviously caught with him… which leads us to their weird, ugly-hoodie, bicycle date.

I can’t even get John, the fuckboy from Kappa Delta Beerpong to text me back, and Selena has two, super rich and famous guys that she’s able to seamlessly bounce between? That doesn’t seem fair. Girl wasted no time going through the typical stages of a celebrity breakup — getting a revenge body (and a TV show about it), releasing an album, and going on Jimmy Fallon to talk about how much they’ve been “reflecting” during their month without social media (besides Instagram, of course).

To be honest, I’m not entirely sure if Justin Bieber is a downgrade or an upgrade. Sure he’s successful, involved in the music industry, and has that whole “would be cute if he stopped being a fuckup” vibe; however, The Weeknd had the same things going for him — without being a complete trainwreck. Not to say that The Weeknd was perfect, after all, he was also in a relationship with one of Gomez’s good friends, Bella Hadid. The two singers also had more than their love of Gomez in common – both have had run in with the law, and have been arrested. What can we say — Selena, we all like the bad boys.

To seal off the deal, Gomez was spotted wearing and cheering on Justin in his hockey jersey. Since I’m Canadian, like Bieber, I basically have an informed perspective on these sort of things and nothing says “puck bunny who’s on their way to becoming a girlfriend” quite like wearing a guy’s jersey, sitting in a cold AF arena, being bored out of your mind… and still looking cute and interested.

I’m not judging either of them. Honestly, I can’t wait till they have a love child, get married, divorced, and write music about their custody battle. But, just so the both of you know, out of protest, I’m not buying your next albums that have cryptic songs about each other, until you confirm if you’re officially dating.

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Hiding from my mother and standards, both of whom would disown me if they heard most of these stories. Aspiring law school student, with a chihuahua named Bruiser and a head of unnatural blonde hair. Email me your "crazy" stories or any mixed drink recipes that taste like juice, but have copious amounts of vodka in them at [email protected] Watch the bitch behind these stories at:

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