Am I Pregnant Or Just Really Hungry

Am I Pregnant Or Just Really Hungry

Recently, my doctor put me on appetite pills to help me gain some weight. Not to make light of the situation or anything, but these things are the fucking devil. I understand the point of them and why they help and I have gained weight, but at what cost? These things have turned me into the pregnant lady from hell. But, like, without the baby. Just a constant, horrible, hangry demeanor and cravings that have quite literally made my loved ones sick.

Where would I be without my night in shining armor, the boy who thinks we are exclusive, who gives into my late night snack requests? Without him going to the store while I’m sitting on the couch crying about how badly I need a corn dog and ceasar salad, I think literally all of my friends would stop talking to me.

The other night he delivered me a pepperoni pizza with pineapple, takis and ranch. I think in that moment our relationship was the strongest it will ever be. He said it was disgusting. He asked why I had to be like this. He looked, with pain and sickness in his eyes, as I went to town on that pizza.

Besides the fact that eating all day erry day is taking up so god damn much of my valuable time, the money spent trying to keep me satisfied is atrocious. Yes, I ate three meals and two protein shakes today, and yes I will need more. Hide your disapproval, Sharon. I don’t care if it’s inappropriate to eat during meetings. You will either listen to my snacking or my bitching so I think it’s better for everyone if I eat this string cheese in peace.

Thankfully most of the cravings can be curved by healthy alternatives like an avocado shake or raw almonds. But when I want a specific unhealthy meal it can be a bit embarrassing. Oh? This establishment doesn’t have a cheeseburger with peanut butter melted on it? You do now. And you’re welcome for the suggestion, In-n-Out.

I don’t know if it’s better or worse to just lie and say I’m pregnant. I’d get judged less for my ridiculous requests, but at the same time I’m worried that I will jinx myself by joking about such a thing. Can you believe if I spent several hundred dollars on food for myself and then also had to eat for whatever demon spawn fuckboy 1-5 pumped into me? Literally a nightmare.

I am thankful that it is working, however. Slowly but surely I am putting on the weight I needed to put on. And, one day, after I have reached the doctor’s goal, I can stop taking them. Which means I can stop going to restaurants with snacks in my purse to eat while I’m waiting to be served.

Image via Shutterstock

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Blondie excels at being an underachiever. She is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at [email protected] EDIT** if you suggest Black Mirror she's already seen it. So stop suggesting it. Seriously. Please stop suggesting it.

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