My phone company told my mother they no longer want me as a customer. I have had 9 phones in the past year. One of which only lasted 17 hours. TSM.

I don’t do back doors. TSM.

Seeing the frat daddy I shacked with last night at mass. Hey, at least we have the same morals. TSM.

My monogram is SEC. TSM.

Realizing the house mom needs to step up her game on cleaning the toilet while you are puking in it. TSM.

Real sorostitutes have class, even if we don’t attend it. TSM.

Pearl engagement ring. TSM.

Just finished my ABC’s: Adderall, B12 shot, Chai tea latte. TSM.

The higher the hair, the closer to God. TSM.

Today a fat GDI asked where I bought my boots. I told her not to bother. Manolo Blahniks don’t come in wide calf. TSM.

Being referred to as a “tanorexic, elitist, North Face-wearing snob.” Thanks for calling me skinny, elite and fashionable, GDI. TSM.

Cooking dinner while my fratdaddy does my accounting project. TSM.

I tease my hair for intramurals. TSM.

I’m not a slampiece, I’m a take-home-to-meet-the-fam-piece. TSM.

Just another semester of being the prettiest girl in all my classes. TSM.

If I’m not talking shit about you on Facebook, that’s probably because it’s on Twitter. TSM.

Used the egg yolks left over from my egg white omelet to make a horseradish aioli for my fratdaddy’s steak sandwich. TSM.

My group of friends doesn’t have a grenade. TSM.

I wanna make bad decisions with you. TSM.

Gym. Tan. Fratdaddy’s laundry. TSM.