Remember that girl who royally effed up her spray tan before prom? Well, she should have been the lesson that no one else would have to learn the hard way. Spray tans are bullshit. I purchased an unlimited tanning plan and when I was presented with the option between beds or sprays, I picked the trusty old fake and bake without a doubt. Sure, it’s a lot more harmful for you, but it’s so much easier and there’s no risk of walking out of the tanning salon looking like an oompa loompa. People like me, who tan a few days a week, are professionals. We know how to keep ourselves from streaking or looking fake. But we acquired this knowledge after a lot of trial and error. We learned tips and tricks along the way.
There are many reasons to get a spray tan. Maybe you want to look your best for recruitment, maybe you don’t want to be as white as your initiation dress, or maybe it’s Wednesday and on Wednesday you wear orange. I don’t know your life. What I do know, however, is that there are even more ways to fuck up a spray tan. Sweating, crying, showering, sleeping, or literally anything else will turn you from a bronzed goddess to a hot mess. To properly maintain a fresh fake tan is about as much work as taking care of a real life human child. So it should be easy peasy for actual mom and all around super-goddess of the universe Chrissy Teigen, right? Well, you could think that, but you’d be wrong.
Teigen recently posted this fake tan faux pas pic to her snap story recently. All I can say is, same.
There are many things to focus on here. One, why is it so red? Was she covered in blush instead of sun-kissed brown? How much were those probably beyond luxurious sheets that she just ruined? And finally, why does her fake tan butt outline look better than my very real ass? Some people are praising her for sharing an “embarrassing” photo that most celebs, and normal people, would try to hide. And they’re right; if I had made a silhouette via tanner on my sheets I would cover that shit up as fast as I would for a period stain. But here’s the thing, my picture would broadcast my very flat buns. If my ass were as mesmerizing as this, I would find a way to show people what I look like naked without sending out a nude too.
But let’s say it really was an accident and she really is cool enough to laugh about it. She learned her lesson, right? Not according to her Twitter. Teigen posted this tweet on Friday.
just spray tanned around my breast pump outline. the logistical challenges of a healthy beach glow while boobing are incredible
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) May 7, 2016
Gotta give a hand to the lady that can laugh at herself, especially while being the hottest MILF of all time while doing it. Hit me up if you ever need some tanning tips, Chrissy. I’m your girl. .