Coach Has Bought Kate Spade, So Please Just Let Me Die

Coach Has Bought Kate Spade And My Life Is Over

Kate Spade is being bought over by Coach. I hate to sound melodramatic, but this might be the worst news I’ve heard all week. Your (second) favorite go-to brand is being bought over by the brand that you stopped loving all the way back in middle school.

CNN announced this morning that Coach purchased their competitor for $2.4 billion; which, if you ask me, is a steal, since there’s no price you can put on a quirky clutch shaped like a whale or a patterned tote bag that channels your inner Zooey Deschanel. But, if you forced me to price out one of these bags, I would give you a number that I expect 50% off of, with an additional 30% off, and, if the sales clerk looks like she might be Greek-affiliated and I asked nicely, an additional 10% off student discount. If you haven’t already figured out that the “original retail” price on Kate Spade bags is a mere suggestion compared to what you’ll actually buy it for at a flash sale or outlet store, I’ll even start questioning what you actually learned in college.

Coach paid $18.50 for each share of the brand, which is a 30% increase from the stock price just before rumors started to surface that Kate Spade might be bought over. To put this into context for all of us who slept through our first year economics class: imagine you don’t have a date for formal. You’re debating taking Dave, even though he’s a horrible dancer, and stared at your friend’s boobs the entire night last time you went out with him. Then you hear that Sheila is considering asking Dave as well (coincidently it was her boobs he was staring at). You’re not prepared to let someone else beat you, so you throw in a bit of extra effort when you ask Dave to formal, by wearing a top that kind of shows off your boobs (you have to throw the dog a bone) and making a concerted effort not to roll your eyes when he says that he’s “so excited to dance.” Dave only became more valuable to you when you heard that someone else might get him, so you increased the amount of effort, and cleavage, you offered him to ensure that you got the deal.

Just like the preppy, go-getter, who’s new to exec council and naive enough to believe that their position will actually make a difference, Coach is planning some pretty big things, and has some pretty high hopes. They estimate that they’ll be able to save $50 million by “combining the firms’ inventory management and supply chains.” Unfortunately, what’s good for the company, isn’t good for you; as the increase in savings will eliminate the need for the brand to earn extra revenue through their beloved online “flash sales.” I am already mourning the death of my 50% + 30% + 10% off savings. Mostly out of principle, and only slightly due to the amount in my bank account, I refuse to pay full price for something I am used to getting for a fraction of the cost.

Maybe I’m biased. Kate Spade gives off a cutesy vibe. You look adorable in their patterned shifts now, and there’s the subtle vibe to their clothing that says “if you think I look good now, I’ll be the MILF of your dreams in 20 years.” Coach, on the other hand screams “mom” — more specifically, a tired mom, who picked up her tired Coach bag eight years ago when she was trying to score a pink sparkly logo bag for her spoiled teenage daughter (AKA you). I don’t know about you, but I would much rather be channeling an “aspiring MILF” vibe than a “tired mom” one.

Coach claims that they have purchased Kate Spade in efforts to”broaden its customer base to a younger, trendier millennial shopper.” While I’m still mourning the loss of my savings, and the potential loss of the cute-girl factor that is exclusive only to Kate Spade items, I’m holding onto hope that only the best aspects of Coach might change Kate Spade.

Image via Shutterstock

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Hiding from my mother and standards, both of whom would disown me if they heard most of these stories. Aspiring law school student, with a chihuahua named Bruiser and a head of unnatural blonde hair. Email me your "crazy" stories or any mixed drink recipes that taste like juice, but have copious amounts of vodka in them at [email protected] Watch the bitch behind these stories at:

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