I’ll be the first to admit I get a little creeped out when guys name their dicks. To be honest, I would rather we just pretend it didn’t even exist. The less I have to look at it, touch it with anything other than the inside of my vagina, and talk about it in the third fucking person, the better. However, the tables turn when I get the naming power. No, I refuse to address your penis as anything other than what I decide it should be. The power is thrilling. Because while some might receive a generous name, others are assholes (or selfish in bed, but TBH that is the same thing) and deserve to have one of these.

1. Excalibur
   For the guy who has a weak pull out game.
2. Yeezy
   For the guy who thinks he’s wayyyyy better than he actually is.
3. Lieutenant Dan
   That asshole who sits the entire time, making you do all the work. And no, he doesn’t want to lick your ice cream.
4. Expecto Patronum
   His dick makes you see the light. *Prayer emoji*
5. Da Vinci
   He makes you Mona Lisa all night long.
6. Rubix Cube
   Whatever the fuck he thinks he’s doing down there, it’s wrong.
7. Scrappy
   Fast and short.
8. Sloppy Joe
   This one is self-explanatory.
9. Trump
   A guy with a huge dick personality, but who has a tiny penis.
10. Sarg
    He calls out commands like a goddamn maniac.
11. Lil *insert his name here*
    For the guy you low-key hate.
12. Big *insert a name other than his here*
    For the guy you high-key hate.
13. Jaws
    Period week= no problem. #Bless.
14. Freud
    He’s a total mama’s boy.
15. Zika
    Shit is just riddled with diseases.
16. Taco Bell
    So fucking good at night, and so highly regretful in the morning.
17. McDonalds
    You only call him when you’re absolutely desperate for some soft serve.
18. Darwin
    He always wants to evolve your sex life and try new things… beware of the “buttstuff?” text.
19. Slim Shady
    He knows he can have sex in literally any other position besides standing, right?
20. Champagne Papi
    He’s emotional, calls sex “making love,” and he’s cried… during.
21. Schlong
    Ok, so this one isn’t so creative, but what else are you supposed to call something that… long?!
22. Facebook
    You check in with him every once in a while, but overall he’s pretty irrelevant. Plus your mom has a creepy crush on him.
23. Rumple-fore-skin
    He’s obsessed with playing games. Both in your heart and in the bedroom.
24. Rowdy Gentleman
    He’s nice sometimes and an asshole most of the time… And you’re completely in love with him..

Nice Move160

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Blue-eyed-blondie

Blondie excels at being an underachiever. She is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at blue.eyed.blondie.tsm@gmail.com EDIT** if you suggest Black Mirror she's already seen it. So stop suggesting it. Seriously. Please stop suggesting it.

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