Dos And Don’ts Of Spring Break Hookups

Spring Break

College girls anticipate spring break more than their own weddings. The beaches, the tans, the binge drinking, and most importantly, the boys. No matter how big your school is, sometimes the pickings can get a little stale. Spring break is a time for finding brand new mistakes that you can brag to your friends about. Let the fun begin.

DO: Wait to hook up
I’m not saying to wait until the last day, but make sure you’re not going to regret hooking up with Guy A when Guy B is, like, so much better. Besides, this is first and foremost a time to fuck shit up with your friends. Do you really want to miss all the cute beach pics because you were off with some random 6?

DON’T: Hook up with your FWB
This might seem obvious, but if you are currently hooking up with a guy, it can get tricky. If he is part of your group, or even going to the same destination, it might seem natural to attach yourself to him. Whether it’s because it would be so cute to claim your territory get pics together for Insta or because it stings to see him with any other girl, resist the urge to be with him. Besides, he’s out here for one reason and one reason only: to get some strange. The only thing worse than wasting your spring break on a guy is wasting your time on a guy who rejects you for some random slut he met an hour earlier.

DO: Use condoms
Whether it’s having one one-night stand just to say that you did, or a new guy every night, STDs are no joke. What happens during spring break DOES NOT stay at spring break. Besides the obvious downfalls of getting nasty from doing the nasty, you cannot drink while on antibiotics. So if your plan was to pop your pills and get it on sans-bag, think again. If there’s no sex and no alcohol, you might as well be having finals week. Wait until after break to start your medications and wrap anything before you tap it. Trust.

DON’T: Follow your guy around
So you spent the night with a guy and now you are wondering what is next. The answer is nothing. If the sex was really that great, or if his penis was the size of your arm, then get his number. But again, there is so much fun to be had and none of it includes this boy. If you hook up with him again then great, but a general rule for this week should be out of bed out of mind.

DO: Bring a different bikini for everyday
I’m not sure why this should be a problem anyway. Personally, I bring at least, three different bikinis per day. But this is especially important because of pictures. If you wish to sleep with several different guys throughout the week (or in a day, you do you) it can, at least, *look* like you spaced those guys out. You’ll thank me when you don’t get called to standards for questionable behavior.

DON’T: Leave evidence
This means too much information. Anything that you would not put on your Instagram SHOULD NOT be on his phone. If you feel like you might want to contact him later, get his full name/number, but never give out your own. I know the idea of sending him off with a few pics seems like a good idea, but just because you let him see your goods, does not mean all of his friends should be so privileged. And yes. He will show his friends. All of those rules about sending nudes are especially true during spring break.

DO: Use sunscreen
Although skin cancer is the primary concern, have you ever tried to get plowed while your skin cannot even handle being lightly grazed? Sex is supposed to hot. But not don’t-touch-my-skin-because-it’s-on-fire hot.

DON’T: Sex on the beach
I’m not sure why this is such a bucket list goal. I went to high school in San Diego, so I am pretty much an expert. And this shit sucks. It’s about as sexy as having your insides sandpapered. I know you think you’re smart and will just bring a blanket. No. That does not work. Besides, hello — it’s totally illegal.

DO: Sex in the bed of a truck parked *on* the beach
This is actually amazing. The sound of the waves, the smell of the beach, the slightly stale smell of fried skin (because no, you didn’t listen to my sunscreen advice). All the benefits of sex on the beach without the sand. It’s still illegal, but if you get caught, you can always hop in the cab for an escape.

DON’T: Leave your friends
I would rather give my friends a show than go off with some guy. That being said, always tell your friends where you are going and stay within a reasonable distance. ALWAYS have money for cab fare and a fully charged phone. Safety first, people.

DO: Experiment with sex
Have you always wanted to do something but were a little too embarrassed to ask? Fuck it. Anything goes. This is the time to have fun and go crazy. 90 percent of the point of catching some strange is the story you get to tell afterward. Who wants to hear that you let the guy flop on top of you for a few minutes? But *everyone* wants to hear how you snuck up onto the roof or had a threesome.

DON’T: Be a prude
If you are not into the random hook up culture, that’s fine. But no one likes a buzzkill. Maybe you’re totally straight, but if there is any time to make out with a girl or let a guy do a body shot off of you, it’s now. Remember that missing out is a thousand times worse than having an embarrassing moment.

Have fun and make mistakes. After all, you only get four weeks of spring break in your entire life. Make the most of it.

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Blondie excels at being an underachiever. She is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at [email protected] EDIT** if you suggest Black Mirror she's already seen it. So stop suggesting it. Seriously. Please stop suggesting it.

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