It’s easy enough to tell yourself that you “don’t need a man” every time you start feeling down on yourself when it seems like just about everyone is coupled up for a summer fling. But we all know that the deeper you get into that bottle of wine, the more your confident statements of “men suck” and “I love being single” start to sound more and more like a cry for help. Instead of falling victim to being another girl who settles for some schmuck who thinks that denim shorts are a perfectly acceptable thing to wear in front of you all for the sake of having someone be your Instagram husband so that you can show off your cute new summer clothes, and knowing that someone likes you even though your bikini bottom is currently hidden under a shirt at the beach, remind yourself that it’s not worth it.
Hell, you may not have a boyfriend, but you have these things, which, in my opinion are totally better.
Really, I’m not bitter. I love being single. I have my dog. Really.
1. Your dog (obviously)
No boyfriend is ever going to be happier to see you walk though the door than your dog is. Trust me, if he was, it would probably be a bit off-putting. While nothing is cuter than my little chihuahua following me around, pawing at my legs, and jumping up to give me kisses, even when I’ve only been gone for an hour, a grown man doing the same thing would be a bit weird to say the least. A boyfriend is just going to complain when your dog sleeps between you at night, and is going to get irrationally upset when you call your fur-baby “the #1 man in my life.” You don’t need that shit.
2. Wine and cheese
You know what’s a better couple than you and some boy? Wine and cheese. The two are so perfect together that they’ve set unrealistic #couplegoals for you that you’ll never be able to live up to. Your best bet is to just third-wheel and latch onto their perfect relationship instead of curating your own. Besides, no matter how drunk in love you are with your new man, it will never compare to how drunk on alcohol you’ll be after a good bottle of wine.
3. A queen sized bed
A general consensus among my girlfriends, that is in no way an actual survey, and more a bitch-fest over drinks, confirmed that all men turn into furnaces when they sleep. A queen sized bed seems smaller than your first year dorm room one when you have to share it with someone who’s hotter than hell… literally. For my love of falling asleep in my own bed horizontally instead of vertically to be outdone by some man he better be pretty fucking special and have a normal body temperature.
4. A high GPA
If at some point during your teenage, or young adult life, you mother never uttered the words “boys are a distraction,” well, you probably had healthier parents than I did. I hate to be the one to say it, but between hitting the books and hitting the sheets, one is going to get you into grad school (where you may actually meet a boyfriend who isn’t doing a major in his fraternity and a minor in beer pong) and the other one is just going to leave you unnecessarily sore.
5. Wild makeup
If one more man tells me what he likes and doesn’t like on my face, I will lose it. No boyfriend? No worrying about whether your bright lipstick color is going to cause a mess later on in the night, or whether he’s going to be freaked out that your eyelashes unnaturally grew an inch while you were in the bathroom. While you shouldn’t be putting anything on your face to appease any guy, it makes the whole process a lot easier when you don’t have a douchebag hovering around you, asking if you’re really intending on wearing that much glitter (answer: obviously).
6. An XL pizza
I don’t get it. No matter how long you’ve been dating a guy, he still thinks that you eat like a bird (or, worse, a VS model). “Thanks for the pizza, baby,” he’ll say as he reaches across and steals a piece, or five, of the pie that you were fully intending on devouring yourself. You know what will keep you warm at night? A still-hot pizza box, and your own fat from eating the whole damn thing.
7. Peace and quiet in the shower
I’m not sure when showering became a “couple’s activity” but it has to stop. Look: there’s a reason that my rent is so cheap, and it’s not solely due to the fact that I’m pretty sure my neighbors are selling drugs. I’m surprised that I fit into my shower with a burrito food-baby, so there’s no way in hell that the two of us are going to fit in there comfortably. Really, I don’t care if you’re “late for work” or “super horny in the morning,” wait your damn turn. I spent enough of my life fighting with my siblings for the bathroom before school, there’s no way that I’m prepared to do it with a college-aged boy who still smells like last night’s beer.
8. A clean Netflix history
Your Netflix account is supposed to be your safe space. No matter how “chill” you try to act, there’s no way that you’re cool with your “Recommended For You” section being overrun with stupid cartoons and unusually dumb violent movies. Let’s be honest, boyfriend or not, you’ll realistically be spending more time with your Netflix account than anyone else… so it better be absolutely perfect. You (or your father) pay good money every month so that you can have the easiest access possible to all the rom-coms your lonely-heart desires..
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