Our protagonist is a young lad called Shroomin, a name given to him by his brothers in reference to his penchant for drug use. All of the best stories involve Shroomin, who is naturally the only one who doesn’t remember them. Partying with Shroomin can be a bit hectic, and he almost always disappears only to be found later in some pretty compromising situations. But the point is Shroomin can always make his way home. So when he has to call his brothers for help, you know something must have gone terribly, terribly wrong. This was one of those nights.
I was partying at his fraternity’s annex houses, lovingly dubbed “The Jungle.” The Jungle is home to more than a few strange stories, some of which I partook in. I’ve busted my ass falling off their roof. I’ve walked in on a girl getting double teamed by two brothers. And once, I even watched a kid make out with a ferret — an animal that is illegal to own in California, and illegal to make out with in all 50 states. This night was like any other reckless night when they got the call that Shroomin was in trouble. The music cut out as the Save Shroomin Search and Rescue Team assembled.
After some time searching, the rescue team found Shroomin covered in leaves, dirt, and regret. He’d left the party earlier that night to go shack up with some random girl, as frat guys, particularly frat guys who enjoy casual drug use, are wont to do. As absurd as he was, Shroomin was something of a Casanova who’d made his rounds through all of the top tier sororities at our school, so this was not unusual. But the lady in question, as the brothers put it, was the easiest target in the bunch, not because she was “easy,” but because, apparently, she was unattractive. “A soft four,” they explained.
He had decided to take her back to her place and planned on sneaking out once the deed was done, like any true gentlemen. However, the walk proved to be too long and he asked if she would like to stop and take a break…to give him head. For some unknown reason, she did not slap him across the face and walk away. Instead, she agreed, so long as he went down on her first, because of feminism.
Let me take this moment to remind the readers that public sex is illegal, and will lead to an arrest if the participants are caught. I guess they decided to be good samaritans and save the police some walking, because they shacked up right there in some bushes in front of the University Police Station.
He was munching away when the cocktail of drugs and alcohol caught up to him. He passed out nose first in her snatch. She tried desperately to wake him, probably just to get him to finish the job, but to no avail. She heard people approaching. Not knowing what to do, she pushed him off of her, pulled up her pants and booked it. Obviously this seemed pretty suspicious for the passersby, so they checked out the situation. And that’s when they found our boy.
They made sure he wasn’t dead, and while he wasn’t quite deceased, he was not feeling too hot. He was confused about his whereabouts, so he called for help. The funniest part about all of this was his reaction during the story telling. He just stared at the floor in shame. When the laughter had finally died down, he slowly looked at all of us, pleading us with his eyes. “Guys, please just don’t tell anyone she was a four.”.
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