I am, without a doubt, freaking amazing at relationships. Not that I am a “good” girlfriend, or that my relations are “healthy,” but I do possess all the power. And, in the end, that’s all I want. Forcing a guy to block a bitch off social media? Been there. Fanned my eyes while fake crying over how much he doesn’t love me? Of course. Make him sign a contract agreeing to my outrageous commands? Uh…negative.

That’s one thing I haven’t done. Because that’s insane! It can’t be real… but it is. Behold:

Excuse me while I just hop right the fuck off my throne and hand it over to the rightful queen.

Everything about this is too good to be true. Sure, we’ve all saved screenshots to point out when our boyfriends are lying sacks of shit (see babe, you DID say you would go with me to Britney’s birthday!), we’ve all brought up past arguments, but we have not held an actual signed document proving him wrong.

Let’s break down this list of demands, shall we?

• “You cannot talk hoes”
I’ll give the grammar a pass since our future Mariah Carrey here is only in 8th grade, but her concept is right on. Her boyfriend in waiting has plenty of guys to talk to, why would he need to speak to girls? For friendship?! Pft. Not on her watch.

• “You have to talk to me at all times.”
100% agreed. He needs to be there 24/7. Is there anything more annoying when a guy ignores you because he’s “with his friends” or “at his grandmother’s funeral”? No. He, and his phone, not only need to be accessible at all times, but also texting her how beautiful she is every five minutes.

• “You have to buy me food.”
This is true even after the breakup. After all, the other name for “boyfriend” is “free Chipotle.”

But who is to say she can’t compromise? While she forbids hugging and looking at said “hoes,” she does still allow a good old fashioned fist bump. Personally, I think this is giving him too much leash. You know what they say, “first comes fist bumps, then comes the OTPHJ” and I just don’t trust that this situation is any different.

Finally, as should always be the case directly before entering into a new relationship, she discusses their inevitable breakup. She starts off strong with the threat of violence “break my heart and I’ll break your face.” This is necessary. She also clarifies that she will be doing the dumping, no exceptions. Feminism at its finest.

While the picture doesn’t actually include the signature, I can only assume the boy used his own blood to sign it. And just like that, the world welcomed possibly the most whipped boy in existence. Somebody get this psycho a bid..

[via Twitter]

Image via Shutterstock

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Blue-eyed-blondie

Blondie excels at being an underachiever. She is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at blue.eyed.blondie.tsm@gmail.com EDIT** if you suggest Black Mirror she's already seen it. So stop suggesting it. Seriously. Please stop suggesting it.

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