How To Be Nice If You Absolutely Hate People

How To Be Nice If You Absolutely Hate People

  1. Get drunk. This one is so obvious, I have to just put it out there. Unless you start crying after two tequila shots, there’s a good chance that you’re a better person when you’re drunk. Just channel your inner drunk-girl-in-the-bar-bathroom.
  2. Focus on their shoes. It’s a lot easier to like someone’s cute boots than it is to like their not-so-cute personality. If their shoes aren’t cute, they’re probably a pretty bad person anyway.
  3. Always be in a rush. Lace up those sneakers, and speed walk through campus. In a passing interaction, you have less of a chance of showing your inner bitch.
  4. Surround yourself around boys (or the sex that you’re attracted to). Faking a smile is easier when you think that there’s the chance of great sex at the end of the tunnel.
  5. However, if for whatever reason (ugliness) said person isn’t a contender for sex, consider what else you can get from them. After all, alcohol, good study notes and a designated driver for the night are all things that you really need.
  6. Talk to people like your ex-boyfriend is watching. Throw your head back in laughter, and touch their arm any chance that you get. It may be fake, but at least you’ll look good doing it.
  7. Make small talk… about yourself. You can’t hate someone if they only have the opportunity to nod their head at you as you speak and occasionally throw you the odd compliment.
  8. Invest in those new AirPods []. Without a wire, you can perfectly hide them, and listen to whatever TF you want, while pretending to be engaged in what others are saying. While there’s the strong possibility that you’ll lose them in a week; at least you’ll be able to use them stealthily avoid others until that time.
  9. Actually do some good in the world… and make sure that you have some tangible proof of it. People are less likely to look past the bitchy comment that accidentally slipped out of your mouth if you’re wearing a shirt that’s showcasing the food drive you participated in.
  10. When talking to someone that is obviously lacking in intelligence, use simple, blatant, sarcasm. They won’t understand that you’re tone of voice, and will really think that you’re actually “sooo sorry” that their douchy, trucker-hat wearing, ex-boyfriend cheated on them.
  11. Treat yo’ self. Avoid calling someone a bitch all day? Let yourself indulge in some froyo that night. Don’t lose any friends all week? Splurge on that lipstick you’ve been eyeing at Sephora.
  12. Engage in a competition with a fellow people-hater. Chances are, the only thing that both of you like more than a good insult is winning. Whoever gets told that they’re “such a nice person” first wins the glory of being the queen of acting fake-nice.
  13. Use Taylor Swift as your guru. There’s no way that she’s even a quarter as nice IRL as she pretends to be. Create a girl squad, fake that smile and hide your inner snake self. If T-Swift is any indication, if you do this well enough enough, you’ll be able to backstab, cheat and lie… and get away with it all.
  14. Alternatively, just tell people how much you hate them. While you might not have any friends after this, at least you’ll stop having to worry about other’s sh*t and adhering to society’s standards of “niceness.” You weigh the pros and cons.

Image via Shutterstock

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Hiding from my mother and standards, both of whom would disown me if they heard most of these stories. Aspiring law school student, with a chihuahua named Bruiser and a head of unnatural blonde hair. Email me your "crazy" stories or any mixed drink recipes that taste like juice, but have copious amounts of vodka in them at Watch the bitch behind these stories at:

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