How To Clean If You Absolutely Hate Cleaning

How To Clean If You Absolutely Hate Cleaning

One of the worst realities of adulthood is the realization that you are a messy person, generally without even trying. Unless you make a consistent, conscious effort to clean, it’s easy to find yourself, ready to go out, drunk and crawling around your floor trying to find that tank top that doesn’t make you look bloated, while your friends snakily ask you why all of the clothing you own is on the floor.

Cleaning sucks; and anyone who argues that they actually like to do the dishes is only saying that so that some poor sucker who’s promising them the blissful life of a housewife will give them an engagement ring straight out of their undergrad. However, there are some ways around it…

1. Blame any and all messes created on partygoers.
No matter how long ago it was that you actually hosted a party). “No, I didn’t spill wine all over the couch while I was drinking, watching the Bachelor, last night, it must have been someone from the birthday party you hosted three months ago…”

2. Act frustrated with the mess.
If you complain about being the one to unload the dishwasher every time, there’s a good chance that your roommates, who usually do it most of the time anyway, will step up their game.

3. Convince your boyfriend to pull his weight around the house.
Even though he only stays over one night a week, he should probably help out more. After all, what good are boyfriends if you can’t make them do the shit you don’t want to?

4. Use the patriarchy to your advantage.
Whenever anyone comments on how messy your house is, yell that you don’t need to live up to their patriarchal ideas of women always being clean.

5. Make the mess part of your aesthetic.
If you buy all of your furniture from Urban Outfitters or Anthropoligie, by default this means that you’re going for the messy-chic vibe.

6. Pretend the mess is about accessibility whenever possible.
Tell your roommates that you won’t bother to put away your shoes, since leaving them out makes them more accessible for everyone else to borrow. Get angry when they borrow your shoes.

7. Complain to your mother that your house is so messy you can’t study.
Let her come teach you how to clean, and by this, I mean let her clean while you watch.

8. Let the things that you don’t want to actually clean up, like your old wine bottles or number balloons from your birthday, become apart of your decor.
Whenever anyone asks you to throw them out, act offended and ask, “Do you want me to help you move the couch out onto the curb too, while I’m at it?”

9. Complain about how horrible your period cramps are anytime your house wants to clean.
This works particularly well if you have male roommates.

10. Comparison is your best friend.
Repeat, “Well at least our house isn’t as disgusting as the frat house” until they realize that they’re lucky to have you.

11. Opt to organize instead of clean.
While some might argue that moving things around doesn’t accomplish anything, your goal is only to make it appear as though you’ve made a large impact. Besides, today you rearranged everyone’s alcohol by percentage. Thats something that only someone as organized as Gwyneth Paltrow would do!

12. Spend money.
It’s a lot easier to justify your clothes being on the floor if you just came back from a weekend away or if they’re brand new and in a shopping bag. You’re not lazy, just bad with money!

13. Emphasize your own accomplishments.
Put away someone else’s cup? Make sure to tell your roommates in your Facebook group chat and in person.

14. Schedule for everyone to clean the house on a Sunday morning.
Go home with a guy you find at the bar on Saturday night so that you have a very valid excuse for missing it.

15. If all else fails, get drunk and actually clean the damn house.
Or just live with the mess. Whatever best suits your needs, really.

Image via Shutterstock

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Hiding from my mother and standards, both of whom would disown me if they heard most of these stories. Aspiring law school student, with a chihuahua named Bruiser and a head of unnatural blonde hair. Email me your "crazy" stories or any mixed drink recipes that taste like juice, but have copious amounts of vodka in them at [email protected] Watch the bitch behind these stories at:

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