“You’re wearing too much makeup,” declared a random guy at the party. My heart stops, as I get a slow, sinking feeling in my chest. I knew that I shouldn’t have worn such a bright lipstick tonight. What was I thinking? That I liked the shade and it worked perfectly with both my new favorite outfit as well as my Instagram aesthetic? With absolutely no regard for how this might make the men in my life feel when they later learned that, no, in fact, my lips were not naturally blood red? My sole intention when I’d set out that night was to impress the men at this party — I didn’t even like putting on makeup — and now, here I was, making them feel confused and manipulated with the second face I’d put on top of my original face. My self-worth, as one would imagine, was entirely contingent on this man’s opinion, and in learning that the way I’d chosen to present myself wasn’t up to his standards that night, I felt hopeless.
I was at a crossroads. Without makeup, I looked like the awkward teenage brother of the girl you want to fuck…not the girl you actually want to fuck. And as I’ve mentioned, being the girl you want to fuck is my only reason for getting out of bed in the morning. However, with makeup on, I clearly run the risk into making easily tricked men into thinking I was born into this world with gold eyelids, shimmery cheekbones, and synthetic eyelashes. While I don’t want to venture out into the world with uneven skin and uneven brows, I feel intense guilt when I know the long-term effects my beauty routine has on men in this matriarchal society.
What’s an ugly girl to do?
1. Become physically flawless.
After all, guys are capable of it. That’s why they don’t have to wear makeup! Once you’ve reached the peak of human perfection, you’ll have no need for all of that “shit” on your face.
2. Offer monetary compensation for any damage that you may have caused.
Look at it from the guy’s perspective. Imagine how traumatizing it must be to realize that the girl you hooked up with doesn’t actually have the bone structure of a Kardashian, and that she used makeup to manipulate you into thinking otherwise. Imagine. Lying to someone to get them into bed. We ladies just CAN’T understand what that might be like.
3. If you must wear makeup, specifically identity what you’re wearing to anyone you come in contact with.
Otherwise they might be confused into thinking that you were born with glitter on your eyelids. If need be, just put labels directly onto your face.
4. Ask the men in your life to do your makeup for you.
After all, the only reason you’re wearing it in the first place is to impress them, so why not have them do it exactly the way that they like. Sure it took you hours of research and years of practice to perfect your craft, but that’s because you’re a WOMAN, silly! As men, the superior gender, it should be simple for them to fix your face just the way you like, and then everyone will be happy!
5. Spend hours ensuring that every part of your face looks airbrushed.
You have to remember that it’s quite horrifying for a guy to see caked foundation, or anything remotely out of place. While this might be time-consuming, it will be worth it in the end. What else are you doing with your time? Read? Spend time with friends? Work on your hobbies? I mean, it’s a nice thought, but how are you going to catch a man if you’re busy focusing on what makes you happy?
6. Avoid anything too “wild.”
It doesn’t matter what you like, it matters what the rest of world thinks! You need to be considerate; you’re not the one having to look at that heinous lipstick all day, just the one wearing it.
7. Please, for the love of men, avoid anything that isn’t “natural looking.”
Your products are supposed to make you look photoshopped and perfect, however also need to make it appear like you’re not wearing anything at all – easy AF right? I don’t know how so many girls struggle to meet this basic criteria.
8. Never wear false lashes.
You don’t want a man to fall in love with your Bambi-like, huge mink falsies; you’ll just be tearing through his heart as you tear your lashes off at the end of the night. Why would you toy with someone’s emotions like that?
9. Honestly, the same goes for false nails, and hair extensions too.
By faking these ideals of female beauty, you’re simply creating unfair competition for the girls who are actually able to grow their nails into inch-long stilettos, and have healthy looking hair that reaches all the way down to their ass. You’re basically just the knock off Louis Vuitton bag of these unicorns.
10. Hide any traces of your makeup products.
At least try to upkeep the illusion that you woke up flawless, and didn’t spend an hour hiding what your face actually looks like. Never reapply makeup in public, and ensure your makeup bag is concealed, hidden and locked away before you bring that special someone home with you.
While you might not be able to appease everyone with these tricks, continue to try to do everything you can to impress those around you. Remember, you only wear makeup to impress boys. While their standards may seem confusing at times, know that even if you don’t ever succeed (don’t worry, even the Kardashians and Hadids haven’t!) at least you’ll die trying!.
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crazygirlfriend
Hiding from my mother and standards, both of whom would disown me if they heard most of these stories. Aspiring law school student, with a chihuahua named Bruiser and a head of unnatural blonde hair. Email me your "crazy" stories or any mixed drink recipes that taste like juice, but have copious amounts of vodka in them at crazygirlfriend.tsm@gmail.com Watch the bitch behind these stories at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vrp2D9h3SMk&t=67s
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