How To Make Sure You Taste Okay *Down There*

How To Make Sure You Taste Okay *Down There*

Let me just start this out by saying that this story is not about an epiphany I had to start steam cleaning my crusty clam. I have always kept up my basic hygiene because I am not a complete psychopath.

My thought process for this subject actually began when I read a TFM Mailbag response to a poor soul who passed out blow jobs to a few guys in a fraternity. Now, I am not here to slut shame, in fact, I praise her for doing her thing. I am a firm believer that there can only be so many blowies circulating the Earth at once. Which means the more she gives the less I have to go down. That’s just science. What bothered me, however, was that this poor girl had never had her box munched. Not once. That is something I can’t stand.

It is one thing if you personally don’t like it. That’s fine. It is not for everyone. But if you are part of the vast majority who do, it’s time to speak out about getting eaten out. And first thing’s first, y’all need to make sure your snatch is squeaky clean.

I can recall the first time my ex-boyfriend ate me out like it was yesterday (and people say I’m not sentimental). After he was finished, he looked at me with utter confusion. My mind raced as to what he could possibly be thinking. No one feels good about themselves while their boyfriend quizzically stares at their privates. Then, to add to my nerves, he uttered the infamous phrase, “You didn’t taste that bad.” As if it were by some miracle my lady juice wasn’t poisonous.

Luckily, he quickly justified his questionable actions. He explained how the last time he took the plunge, it wasn’t a pretty ending. He almost didn’t live to tell the tale. He explained how the girl’s fumes were so rancid that he almost couldn’t do it. But, being the gentleman that he is, he went in tongue first. As you can imagine, he yacked almost immediately. This has become my biggest fear in life since hearing this story. Up until this point I thought the worst that could happen is the guy saying “he doesn’t do that,” I never believed causing him to literally vomit would ever be an option.

After that traumatic experience he deemed the job too dangerous. That one girl canceled out all the other palatable pussies he had munched before her. Honestly, I find the whole situation tragic.

The truth is you deserve oral, and you shouldn’t feel bad for expecting it. So long, of course, you’re reciprocating. Just make sure to scrub that shit on a daily basis. It’s not that hard. Maybe take a baby wipe to it on particularly sweaty days. Maybe clean up quickly when you go to “powder your nose” pre-hookup, and you should be fine. That’s all you need. After all, your oral argument is that much more convincing when you have confidence that your canteen really is clean.

Image via Shutterstock

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Blondie excels at being an underachiever. She is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at [email protected] EDIT** if you suggest Black Mirror she's already seen it. So stop suggesting it. Seriously. Please stop suggesting it.

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