How To Make The Single Life Your Bitch


I’m not the “girlfriend type.” I’m not ashamed of my perpetual FWB status, but I’m not necessarily proud of it either. I can be polite, of course, but I am a party girl at heart, not the girl you bring home to mom. At least, not yet. Sure it sucks when the guy you want to be with is uninterested in making things official, but mainly because we stress about why. Is it because I’m not making him wait long enough to get it in? Is it because I am not pretty enough to commit to? Is it because he heard how much of a psycho bitch I can be and fucking ran? Probably. But most likely, a guy is not willing to commit because he is disinterested in being in a relationship, especially in college. Sure, guys can have feelings too, sometimes they fall head over heels for some girl who instantly becomes the envy of the school. But for the most part, it is because to guys, sex does not equal relationship. Sex is instead just *another* benefit to the single life. And honestly, that’s a pretty great way of thinking. Here’s how to take control of your single status once and for all.

Reevaluate Why You Have Sex

For boys, this is usually a pretty simple answer: to jizz, preferably onto some poor girl’s face. But if you ask a girl, well, who the fuck knows? Some say for comfort, some say to become closer with someone, ect. After listening to my friends complain that the guy they shacked up with was premature or had the hand skills of a paraplegic, I have concluded that girls are not selfish enough when it comes to sex. Why is sex automatically over when the guy drains his balls? When I do the dirty and the guy finishes up early, you better believe that his tongue will not see the light of day until we’re on the same page. If he refuses to help you get yours after he power-thrusted his way to nirvana, then find a partner who actually satisfies your needs. If a fuckbuddy cannot get you off, why are you riding him in the first place? We’re so conditioned to accept boring “love-making” that we forget that there really are bigger and better penises out there!

Remove The Feelings

I know, I know, easier said than done, right? Well I strongly believe it’s not the sex that makes us cling to a guy like he has a cure to our life problems, it is actually all the shit surrounding sex. Forehead kisses, cuddling, sleepovers… all those things that leave us overthinking that he could be thinking about it at all. If you are a girl who can separate the cute ~almost girlfriend~ treatment without convincing yourself that you are going to get the label, then you are already more emotionally stable than I will ever be. But if you are like us mere mortals, the easiest way to prevent this is to have “boyfriend boundaries.” I won’t sleep over, cuddle at all, or exchange random soft kisses with any boy who is not expressed his intentions to wife me up. It just makes things easier.

Play The Field

Something I have never understood is devoting yourself to a boy who is not committed back. Once again, sex is an act used to feel good. If you have only one boy providing that oh so good feeling between your thighs, it is hard not to start associating him with pleasure. I understand that he and his nethers have proven to be moan-worthy, but limiting yourself to one boy is lazy. If you have ever found yourself in the position of wanting to leave a party to go to the bar a boy is at, or to go meet him his house when you would have otherwise had fun with how your night was going, you have already failed yourself. I am not suggesting you start having one night stands left and right, but no fun should ever be given up for a FWB. If you’re uncomfortable with going home with randoms, then tease yourself by dancing and kissing with them before leaving them rejected on the dance floor. Still too out there for you? Then hang out with your sisters all night. Either way, you went out to have a good time and that should not be disregarded.

Experiment With Sex

At some point, in most relationships, sex can become a bit boring. Nothing is more depressing than feeling the excitement fade from your intimacy. You used to jump his bones every chance you got, but now sex feels like a chore. Hopefully you start to find new and exciting things to do together, because the physical aspect is such a prominent part of relationships. But what about when you’re not in a relationship? When you find yourself daydreaming about a show you watched earlier mid penetration, or you begin to memorize the pattern of moves he performs… with a guy who is supposed to be a fun night? Experimenting is always easier when it is done with someone you trust, but at some point you need to cut your loss and find someone new. Besides, as amazing as you are in bed already, there are always some new tricks to be learned.

Appreciate Life Outside The Bedroom

Personally, I have an unrelenting need to have a guy in my life at all times. And while (at least in my mind) I have sex with ~few~ people, I definitely crave that daily dose of Vitamin D. Sure my three dude roster has been perfected and I am always guaranteed to have a D on demand, but there is more to life than constant orgasms. Ditch the boy drama and actually discover yourself. Become that annoying bitch who does yoga. Go climb a mountain and pretend you aren’t dying from exhaustion. Dive into your studies or figure out once and for all which Ben and Jerry’s flavor is the best. Live life without limitations because college is so much more than your flavor of the week.

Or just feverishly masturbate, I don’t know your life.

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Blondie excels at being an underachiever. She is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at [email protected] EDIT** if you suggest Black Mirror she's already seen it. So stop suggesting it. Seriously. Please stop suggesting it.

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