Sex is an art. A painful, messy, seems-impossible-to-master art. What one person likes, another person hates, and when it comes to guys and gals, there are some big *big* differences. We all wish that there was one universal move we could do to make our partners weak in the knees, but unfortunately, that’s not a thing. And worse than that, the people we’re with don’t know what it takes to get us there. Because what works for guys (read: the sheer thought of getting it in) and what works for girls (a whole scientific formula) are two totally different layouts. Here’s how it breaks down. Step-by-step guides to turning on both guys and girls, because sometimes we could all use a little help. If you’re not doing it for you, do it for the girl who’s been faking orgasms for the last two months.

How To Turn Girls On

1. Make deep, intense eye contact.
2. Well, not *that* much eye contact. Don’t be weird.
3. Now, let’s make out a little.
4. Add some tongue.
5. The right amount of tongue. Don’t force it down our fucking throats.
6. Kiss us on that place on our necks.
7. No, not there.
8. Up a little bit. And to the right…
9. Okay, that’s my chin. Stop.
10. Tell us we’re beautiful.
11. Actually no, whisper it in our ears.
12. Ew okay, less hot breath.
13. Manage to keep our attention even though our to-do lists are flashing before our eyes.
14. I realize you’re grabbing my ass but I also need to put my clothes in the dryer so…
15. Be hot.
16. But like, approachable hot.
17. Approachable, I-have-that-v-muscle-but-I-won’t-leave-you-for-some-skanky-girl-at-a-party hot.
18. Make sure the lighting is good.
19. And by that I mean make sure there’s as little lighting as possible.
20. Preferable unscrew all of the lightbulbs in the apartment and hide them.
21. And buy some of those, light-blocking curtains.
22. Talk about how skinny our wrists are.
23. And how sexy it is that we don’t have six-packs.
24. But that you’d still think it was sexy *if* we had a six-pack because anything we do is sexy.
25. Smell nice.
26. And for the love of all that is holy, tell me I smell nice.
27. Don’t even think about touching my vagina unless we’ve been making out for at least ten minutes.
28. Don’t even look at my vagina.
29. And when you *do* look at my vagina, give it a compliment.
30. But nothing gross.
31. Put your mouth right there.
32. Ugh okay less teeth.
33. Now just use your tongue in the exact right spot with the exact right amount of pressure using the perfect amount of spit for the perfect amount of time.
34. WHEN I SAY KEEP GOING THAT DOES NOT MEAN SPEED UP AND DO IT HARDER IT MEANS KEEP DOING WHAT YOUR’E DOING.
35. It’s gone.
36. Start over.
37. Remind us that your ex-girlfriend is dead.
38. Or just that you don’t even care about her at all anymore and like, what even was her name?
39. Pull my hair.
40. Ouchhh. Don’t pull it pull it. God.
41. “Can I have a glass of water? I’m thirsty.”
42. Keep us hydrated.
43. Wait yeah. Hold on. Let’s talk about that thing you said last week that sort of pissed us off.
44. I really can’t get in the mood until we sort it out.
45. Okay. Maybe go down on us again?
46. And come on. Act like you’re into it. I know you’re using your hand and just pretending.
47. Don’t you dare say the words “blow job.”
48. Look like Chris Hemsworth.
49. Be Chris Hemsworth.

How To Turn Guys On

1. Be the sexual orientation they’re attracted to.
2. Have a hole they can put their penis in.
3. Maybe jump up and down a little bit or bend over or something?
4. Exist.

Gosh, it must be hard to be a guy..

Image via Shutterstock

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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