How To Use Snapchat To Remind Him He Ain’t Shit


Snapchat, along with with wine and trashy reality TV, is one of the basic necessities of life. Since the beginning of its time, Snapchat has been one of the leading indicators for where you stack in other people’s lives. Gone are the days of Myspace’s top 8 friend rankings (RIP) which allowed you to choose where you place your friends. Instead, Snapchat fucking proved your loyalty. Because, like, your boyfriend could just rank you number one and never even mention that cyber whore, but not with Snapchat. Snapchat put him on blast.

This one time back in high school, the guy I pretended was my boyfriend replaced me as his top friend with this skank named Jojo. I was devastated. I was hurt. But most importantly I was inspired.

With a broken heart full of vengeance, I set out to replace my entire “top best friends” with a hot guy roster. It didn’t take long before he brought up the fact that while I was snugly set as his #2 (still behind Hoe-jo), he was not on my list at all… Oh, and his best friend was. With a smug smirk and my most innocent tone I replied, “I guess you’re just not as important to me as I am to you.”

Now that those good days are over, all we have left to validate our importance is a snapstreak and a golden heart. I fuck HARD with both. Now that everyone’s roster isn’t public knowledge, the ONLY way to know where you stand with a guy is when you get that golden heart. He’s your top friend, yet you just have a standard smiley face like some type or commoner. Is that how much he likes you? Just smiley face? Smiley faces don’t deserve nudes.

Personally, I don’t give out my number before my Snapchat. If a guy doesn’t shoot up to that golden heart within a week of “talking,” y’all aren’t talking. If you’re looking for a hookup that won’t get weird and clingy, this is your guy. However, if you do achieve best friend status relatively soon, you know he’s into your conversations more than others. This is typically the point that you can give out your number, and say something along the lines of “just text me, I’m tired of you taking my best friend’s spot.”

The other feature is the coveted snap streak. This is a literal timestamp of how much your friends care about you. Of course, it’s not as good as being able to then compare your friendships to others, but it’s nice to have a numerical value. And, at any moment, you can take that value away. It might seem petty to break a 30-day streak for nothing more than wanting to break a streak, but I highly recommend it. And not just when y’all are fighting. Break it randomly, after having a great day, keep him on his toes.

Do it when you feel like he needs a reminder that the little things need effort too. There’s no numerical value on giving your girlfriend a compliment or sending a good morning text, but maybe if there were, guys would actually fucking do it. Because just like that, not putting in the tiniest bit of effort can cause everything to go to shit. Or it can remind a guy who’s being a little too creepy that he doesn’t know you like that. Send that asshole back to day one. Probably keep him there too.

At the end of the day, you hold the power to let people know that they aren’t as special as they think they are. Oh, and it’s just really fun to be a bitch.

Image via Shutterstock

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Blondie excels at being an underachiever. She is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at [email protected] EDIT** if you suggest Black Mirror she's already seen it. So stop suggesting it. Seriously. Please stop suggesting it.

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