How To Work Out If You Absolutely Hate Working Out

How To Work Out If You Absolutely Hate Working Out

Working out is hard. Most days you’re either hungover, too busy trying to catch up on all of the work that you missed from being hungover or busy preparing yourself for another night that will eventually result in a hangover. You can’t squeeze in the time you need not only to go to the gym, but to harness yourself into your sports bra and secure all of the flyaways from your ponytail. Never mind the time that it takes to take the perfect Snapchat to show the world that you’re healthier than everyone else.

You can easily fit all of these workout tips into your schedule, and, before you know it, become a better, fitter, version of yourself in no time:

  1. Squat while you reheat your pizza from last night. The burn you’ll feel in you thighs will help distract you from all of the bad decisions you made while drunk.
  2. Buy a box of wine instead of a bottle. Carrying it home will outweigh the calories consumed by drinking the whole thing (I think).
  3. Always insist that you be in the front of your sorority photos. Having to squat for the amount of time it takes for everyone to get an Insta-worthy photo will be a workout on its own, plus you get to be the center of attention in every shot.
  4. Treat beer pong like real ping pong, which is an Olympic sport. You’re basically an Olympian.
  5. Pick fights with your boyfriend. The calories you burn during makeup sex will cancel out what you eat during the apology dinner he has to take you out for.
  6. Go to the mall instead of online shopping. The more times you browse through Sephora, the more steps you’ll take, and the more makeup you’ll buy that you don’t really need.
  7. Don’t just settle for one frat party a night. Treat Greek Row as a track, and see how many times you can go up and down it in a night.
  8. Spend too much on your credit card bill. Having to explain it to you parents will increase your heart rate, which — you guessed it — burns more calories!
  9. Instead of having an uncomfortable conversation with girls who didn’t get into your sorority, run away from them. This one is pretty self-explanatory.
  10. Do a reverse Intermittence Fast. Eat everything you want at night, and don’t eat during the day when you’re hungover from the night before.
  11. Walk to get fast food instead of getting it delivered. Contemplate if you really need a large pizza for yourself. If you decide to go for it, at least you can pretend that you’re bringing it back to a house full of people instead of letting the delivery guy judge you for being alone.
  12. Buy some workout clothes. Even if you don’t get around to actually using them in a gym, the spandex will make your butt look like you participate in at least a beginner’s yoga class.
  13. Instead of paying for a Zumba class, just go to a club. Both are the same price to get into, and no one is going to judge you if your boob accidentally falls out of your shirt at the club.
  14. Instead of stalking people on Facebook, do it in real life. Theres nothing worse for you than sitting staring at your computer screen.
  15. Kissing burns approximately two calories per minute. Find a workout partner at your next party, and tell anyone judging you that you’re just trying to take care of your body.
  16. Accuse your boyfriend of cheating on you. You’ll have to release your anger somehow. The gym would be ideal, but spending too much money at the mall could probably work just as well (see #6).
  17. Shut off the air conditioning in your dorm or apartment. Not only will you have a very valid excuse for walking around in your shortest shorts, but you’ll essentially be putting yourself (and everyone around you) into a sauna… which is one of the easiest ways to shed the pounds.

Image via Shutterstock

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Hiding from my mother and standards, both of whom would disown me if they heard most of these stories. Aspiring law school student, with a chihuahua named Bruiser and a head of unnatural blonde hair. Email me your "crazy" stories or any mixed drink recipes that taste like juice, but have copious amounts of vodka in them at [email protected] Watch the bitch behind these stories at:

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