I Absolutely Hate Kissing With Tongue


“EW! What the fuck is wrong with you?!” I jumped off of him and started to feign dry heaving. He asked me what was wrong with concern in his eyes.

“Were you trying to check my temperature? Get out of my throat, bro!”

This was a real conversation from my first, and only, one-night stand experience. Clearly things were off to a great start. I know, I know what you’re thinking, “Blue-eyed-blondie, how can one person exude so much class?!” Well, bitch, let’s clear one thing up, I was NOT complaining about his dick. In fact, if it was his dick, there would not have been an issue in the first place. I’m proud to admit that I have absolutely no gag reflex, so clearly I can take face fucking like a champ (sorry, mom). What I can’t handle, however, is when someone sticks the disgusting slug they call a “tongue” in my mouth.

In all honesty, conversations like that one are not uncommon with me. You see, there are only two topics I am passionate about in life. The first is mac and cheese, for obvious reasons, and the second are people who assault their partner’s mouth while making out. Call me a romantic, but I thought we left that bullshit behind in seventh grade.

I’m not talking about a little tongue mixed in during the heat of the moment. I’m not crazy. I’m talking about when I have to use my own as a fucking barrier to keep out his slimy appendage. The way I see it, if he needs to use his tongue so bad, by all means, he can make his way downstairs. But if it continues while making out, I will bite it off. Try me. I’m sick of it.

But the worst part of it all is that this hookup plague is spreading. I’ve had my fair share of girl on girl hook-ups, and some of them I can even remember. So I’m pretty much an expert. In a study done by myself, I have concluded that girls are ultimately better than guys in literally everything sexual. Girls just kiss better. Our lips are softer, we know what we like, and if it’s good enough for my girl Katy Perry, it’s good enough for me. But I’ve been betrayed before by my own kind. Some girls are also practicing the dark art of tongue punching. Clearly, it’s an epidemic.

Consider this a PSA to ALL. This disgusting habit needs to stop, and until it does no one is safe. Together, we can make the world a little brighter, one closed mouth at a time.

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Blondie excels at being an underachiever. She is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at [email protected] EDIT** if you suggest Black Mirror she's already seen it. So stop suggesting it. Seriously. Please stop suggesting it.

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