I Don’t Respect You If You Buy Novelty Makeup

Enough With Novelty Makeup

I have a question, nay, a plea to all of the makeup companies out there: please stop producing novelty makeup. I used to be the standard in the world of beauty addicts. I buy my concealer because it’s the best at covering up my face, not because it has a unicorn on the label. I buy my blush because I like its pigmentation, not because it’s promoting a new movie. I buy my lip color, because, well, that one’s just because I treat it like candy at checkout at the grocery store and always buy a new one — but it’s still not because it has its own Twitter hashtag or is so limited edition that it will only be available for the next 13.5 hours.

I come from a world where you might as well not have a face if you don’t contour, strobe and highlight. I would be willing to give up my firstborn for eyebrows that are twins. Point being, makeup is everything. The problem is, with such a push for every girl to feel incomplete without her mask on, the market of beauty products has become flooded, with every company (and celebrity) vying to make the product that a popular Youtuber will describe as their “Holy Grail” (for at least the month). While we all think that we have figured out what the absolute best mascara is, there’s a good chance that there isn’t a significant difference between the $40 department store product and the product you picked up for $2 at the convenience store on your way to a 1am booty call. So how do we, as a general population of blind consumers, decide which beauty products to buy? Through advertising, packaging and all of those other factors that I’m sure you learned in your Marketing 101.

Now, I’m all for a good marketing strategy or some pretty packing. Gigi Hadid uses a certain foundation? I’m already on my way to the store, because all it takes to make me look like an international supermodel is a credit card and a beauty blender. A mediocre lipstick has rose gold packing? The basic bitch in me is already pressing “add to cart.” But lately, the makeup world has been taking it too far. I can’t wander into Sephora, and make a split second decision on which mascara to buy based on the packaging and how much money is left in my bank account. No, now I need to sort through which tube is a collaboration with a Youtuber’s dog, which one is apart of the Harry Potter collection (and shaped like a fucking wand) and which one doubles as a sex toy.

Makeup is supposed to be used as gunk you put onto your face to trick other people into thinking that you’re attractive. While I don’t want the packaging to look like shit, enough is e-fucking-nough. I would much rather have my favorite companies focusing on products that will help me fake my way into looking like a Hadid, than producing shit that drums up a lot of social media attention for whatever gimmick is attached to it.

Now, of course these major companies aren’t going to listen to one girl swearing off any product that is attached in any way to a unicorn. Instead, I’ll appeal to the consumers of said products:

Girls, at the end of the day, all you want is a concealer that covers up your hangover, and a liquid lipstick that doesn’t permanently stain your hookup the second you start making out. At the end of the day, no one is going to actually realize that the packaging is shaped like a cartoon characters, or that you put it on with your novelty wand brushes. Please, for the love of everything good in the world, stop being suckered into buying products simply because its packaging might look good on your Instagram feed. Buy something that will make you look good on your Instagram feed like the good Lord intended.

Email this to a friend


Hiding from my mother and standards, both of whom would disown me if they heard most of these stories. Aspiring law school student, with a chihuahua named Bruiser and a head of unnatural blonde hair. Email me your "crazy" stories or any mixed drink recipes that taste like juice, but have copious amounts of vodka in them at [email protected] Watch the bitch behind these stories at:

For More Photos and Videos

Latest podcasts

New Stories

Load More